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176Funny
65Die
8,808
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November 18, 2015
Published
Description

As a young person, you have the most important job at the Thanksgiving table: Ruining the meal for everyone else. And now it's easier than ever!

Mashed Potatoes: “You know what else has been mashed? Native Americans in this country!”

Gravy: “You know what’s not ‘all gravy?’ The treatment of Native Americans in this country!”

Turkey: “You know what the real turkey is? This country’s current policies toward Native Americans!”

Rice: “Why are we eating rice at Thanksgiving? Rice is not a traditional Thanksgiving food! All the Native Americans we killed would be rolling over in their graves if the circumstances of their deaths hadn’t made proper burials inconvenient!”

Stuffing: “You know what Native Americans have been stuffed with? Lies, probably!”

Sausage Links: “You know what ‘links’ our country broke? Wait, who the hell brought sausage to dinner? Was it Rebecca? Was it Dad’s new ‘lady friend,’ Rebecca? Was she also the one who brought rice? I hate you, Rebecca!”

Corn: “You know what’s corny? Ignoring all the Native Americans we killed, Rebecca!”

Green Bean Casserole: “Why aren’t we eating green bean casserole? Because Mom used to make it? I should’ve gone to Mom’s Thanksgiving!”

Rebecca’s Famous Cranberry Sauce: “Do you think I’m fucking stupid, Rebecca? This is store-bought cranberry sauce! Why are you ruining my family like how this country ruined the Native Americans?”

Dinner Rolls: “Fuck you, Rebecca!”

Pecan Pie: “I’d like to apologize to Rebecca, unlike how our country has not apologized to Native Americans. She is a member of our family now, and she should be treated as such, unlike how this country treats Native Americans.”

Traditional Native American Sweet Corn At Mom’s House: “You know what else is sweet? This side of the family! I should have come here first, like how the Native Americans— wait, who brought the maize? Mom’s new ‘companion,’ Laura? Laura? Laura, caring about Native American shit is my thing! I hate my life! Just like how this country hates Native Americans!”

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