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Published July 10, 2009
Coming to you through ze miracle of modern carrier pigeons. Zis iss my final report.  . . .I am sitting here by ze side of ze lake mit mein Oscar and ze only call I’m getting is ze call of ze loon.  Vere iss mein Oscar bounce? Helen Mirren cannot be zat powerful! . . . Ich understand, she’s upset. But she got her Oscar! It vasn’t a star-studded occasion filled mit paparazzi like ze first time, but it vas ein event. Und ve got it on film. . . .Dr Schissegeboren had just finished pouring ze first bottle of Moet up mein heiniepooper. Und ze gerbils vas getting shitfaced.  Mit ze colonoscope, Dr Schissegeboren could see Gretel vas not getting ze shtupping how she liked it und Hansel vas slurring his sqveeks. . . .So Gretel turns around and shakes in his face her pip-squeak poonany to perk up his putz. Unwisely, Hansel regurgitates on her vhich Gretel takes personally because she iss in luff mit him. She ausgeflipt und vas saying terrible things in gerbil! Calling Hansel a pansy and vorse . . .in mein archenhalle!    . . . Just as Helen Mirren vas sitting up saying “Vere am I?” Hansel came scooting out mein arschenhalle und ran up her skirt. So she jumps up on ze chair.  . . Ze physical strength of ze female gerbil who has just been sexually humiliated is simply amazing . . . Out came ze ipod, still playing Barry White und ze luff unlimited orchestra Und zen, gott be praised, ze Oscar for best supporting actress. . .  Unfortunately Helen vas not looking, und ze Oscar caught her just here, vhich knocked her out again, vhich vas good, because after ze statuette came Gretel riding a wave of something you don’t feel you deserve to be vearing if you haff just von ze Oscar for best supporting actress.
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