As many of you know who have read this article of mine, a weird old gentleman named Harold Camping, head of the scammy Family Radio network seems to think that the world is ending on Saturday.
Or at least he says he thinks so, which just happens to be the kind of proclamation that could attract more people to his network and website.
What a coinki-dinki. If you’re reading this and you’re a faithful Xian who agrees with said gentleman, I have provided a helpful checklist of things for you to be sure that you get done before the big show starts.
1. Pray. Pick any god, it’s not like it matters.
2. Contact me at email@example.com to find out where to send all the money and possessions you’re never going to use after Saturday.
3. Pray to a different god, just to hedge your bets.
4. Punch that asshole clerk at the grocery store who always gives you attitude when you buy an item without a price tag. What, like it’s your fault that somebody got lazy with the pricing gun? Break his motherfucking nose.
5. Ask for forgiveness for the above sin. Pick any god, it’s not like it matters.
6. Don’t forget to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org to find out where to send all of the money and possessions you’re never going to use after Saturday.
7. Take all of your contemporary Christian music CDs and chuck them in the nearest landfill. We won’t be needing them here, and I’m sure you can find more where you’re going. Plus, on the off-chance that you’re wrong (Though of course you aren’t), you’ll probably do some soul-searching and then come to the same conclusion that the rest of us have - that it’s a genre that’s more painful to listen to than a cat being boiled alive in its own urine. Plus, in case you didn’t know, most of the male singers of C.C. music are gayer than a tree full of birds. Not that there’s anything wrong with that to those of us who are staying and burning.
8. Pray to yet another god. How can you really be sure? Try Baal, he’s kind of lonely these days.
9. Vote for Haley on American Idol. She’s awesome.
10. Get a manicure and a pedicure, get your hair done, buy a new set of clothes and a caddy, then treat the family to a steak dinner at one of your community’s finest restaurants. You might as well go in style, and while you’re at it, you’ll help the economy that us heathens destined for eternal torture will live in, at least for a short time. How Xian is that? If you have any money left over, contact me at email@example.com to find out where to send all of the money and possessions to me, since you won’t need them after the rapture.
11. Try cocaine. I mean, what the hell.
12. Buy that fart-sound app for your iphone. C’mon, you know you want to. Then contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org to find out where to send your iphone.
13. Drink orange juice straight from the carton. Just go apeshit.
14. Pray to the mean desert god again, asking forgiveness for praying to all of the other gods.
15. Try some X (ecstasy – it’s a drug). If you don’t know where to get any, ask a high school teacher. They usually know a guy.
16. Go to Denny’s for a final grand slam breakfast. There are no grand slam breakfasts in Heaven. They’re not big on pork up there, what with all the seventh-day Adventists (sorry, but they’re there too).
17. Pee in the sink, even if the bathroom is free.
18. Contact me at email@example.com to find out where to send every penny and every useful item you own (no used underwear) that you won’t need after Saturday. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this.
19. Go to the mall with your rapture-ready pals and make snide remarks about all the heathens in their tawdry clothes.
20. Go to a convenience store and hang out in the candy aisle. When somebody goes to buy some Now and Laters, giggle and say, “Best to just buy some ‘Nows!’”
21. Pray to Joe Pesci. Yes, he’s technically not a god, but as George Carlin once said, he just seems like a guy who can get things done.
22. That neighbor’s dog that’s always coming into your yard to poop? Shoot him. If the owner protests, shoot him too.
23. Pray for forgiveness for the two sins above. Pick any god, it’s not like it matters.
24. Have as much sex as is humanly possible with your significant other. There’s no procreation necessary in heaven, so there’s no wild mambo, either. I understand that there’s croquet, though, if that’s any comfort.
25. While in an elevator, laugh like a hyena when the muzak version of Blondie’s “Rapture” plays. The frightened looks you’ll get from fellow passengers should be pretty amusing, too. What the fuck, they already think you’re crazy and they’re all going to fry in hell forever.
26. Get a tattoo. Not of a shark or a stripper or anything, just a guy bleeding to death on a stick in the hot sun surrounded by Roman soldiers. You know, something tasteful.
27. Call all of your friends that you think will be left behind and make peace with them, and give them a final chance to accept L. Ron Hubbard as their lord and savior. What, isn’t that the right one?
28. Finally, don’t forget – that email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. If you’re wrong and the world doesn’t end, I’ll consider returning some of the money. No promises, but I’ll consider it. Otherwise, the joke is on me and you’ll be laughing all the way to the pearly gates.
29. Seems fair, doesn’t it?
30. Oh, and when you get up there, tell Jerry Falwell that even though he was right he’s still a sack of pig shit.
God bless you.