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October 19, 2017
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A woman has taken to social media complaining that an ‘important package’ she expected over four years ago has finally arrived in a ‘substandard condition’.

A woman has taken to social media complaining that an ‘important package’ she expected over four years ago has finally arrived in a ‘substandard condition’.

After photos of the badly damaged package went viral, the couriers released the following statement:

Our records show that this particular package was being transported on a cargo plane that happened to crash into the Pacific Ocean. Frankly, it’s a miracle that the package arrived at its destination at all.

It is believed that the package may have been delivered personally by FedEx employee Chuck Noland, also aboard the doomed flight, who survived for four years on a deserted island only to discover his long-term girlfriend had moved on with her life.

Quite how Noland survived for so long is as yet unknown, but it’s possible he didn’t suffer on the island alone. An individual only identified as ‘Wilson’ was also said to be present, but whether he or she was an indigenous island native, or simply the product of a lonely man’s imagination, is the subject of fierce debate.

What is known, is that when Noland was discovered on a raft by the crew of a cargo ship, there was no sign of anyone else. One of the crew commented:

He kept asking for his friend, but we didn’t find anyone. We thought we had at one point, but it turned out to be a volleyball with a face drawn on it. We threw it back into the sea.

The woman in question has received a full refund of postage and packaging costs from FedEx, but the courier has refused to cover the cost of the pornographic magazines inside. This is due to FedEx claiming that the water damage incurred was limited to the box itself, and that the contents themselves, survived unscathed.

Sources close to Noland claim he was ‘devastated’ to learn what was inside the package he stubbornly refused to open for the duration of his island stay, and has since become ‘withdrawn and unresponsive’.

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