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May 25, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Two female soldiers are suing to have the ban on women in combat lifted. The counter-argument being that pictures of a female soldier peeing on a corpse would be off putting.

Auction organizers canceled the sale of a vial of Ronald Reagan's blood. Apparently the tagline of "Blood from the guy who didn't care about AIDS" wasn't very popular.

Neil Armstrong admitted in a rare interview that he felt he had only a 50 percent chance of landing safely on the moon. "He told me it was more like 85," said a hurt and confused Buzz Aldrin.

Occupy Wall Street is suing New York City for destroying books belonging to the People’s Library. Even worse, they were so close to finishing "50 Shades of Grey." Or: Even worse, they were so close to finishing "The NYPD: Misunderstood Friends."

Police arrested the mayor of West New York, N.J., for hacking the website of a recall group in opposition to him. He'll also face charges of changing his city's name from the less appealing "East New Jersey."

A conservative website is giving one handgun away each week until the presidential election. Liberals are upset, though they do love free handouts...

Director of "Precious" Lee Daniels was booed at Cannes following the debut of his latest movie, "The Paperboy." A natural reaction when an audience doesn't feel exploited enough.

The New Yorker published an 8,500-word story on Twitter Thursday night. The title of the story? "How Do We Kill Books Faster? #thisiscoolright"

Phillip Phillips won the 11th season of "American Idol." Now if he can just overcome having such a hard-to-remember name.

Bill Clinton posed for a picture with porn stars at a Monte Carlo casino. Both parties would later say how nice it was to meet a fan.

"Big Bang Theory" star Jim Parsons announced that he's gay via a New York Times profile. He was immediately given an award though no one is sure why.