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Published October 19, 2012 More Info »
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Published October 19, 2012

 

Can’t Find Love? Find Food.

Unfortunately, I am reaching the age where people are beginning to fall in love and get married. This wouldn’t have too much of an effect on me, but it’s sad for me to realize that the only thing I have ever been in love with is ice cream. Although I wish I could get into a relationship with ice cream, there are way too many negatives that keep me from actually pursuing a relationship with it. I cannot legally get married to ice cream. I cannot post romantic pictures of ice cream and I together on Instagram because the only purpose it would serve is to make me look horribly, horribly obese.  Intimate relations with ice cream could only lead to frostbite in unfortunate areas. I’d also end up on Maury. That would be awful.

Although, I cannot enter a romantic relationship with food, I can use my relationship with food as a substitute for a romantic relationship. Food’s seems to be way better.

I mean food is obviously better than love. Have you ever noticed the amount of people who are horribly depressed because they can’t find love or they had a relationship end?  People always get so sad over that shit. The only time food ever gives me crippling depression is right after I have had McDonalds. And we all know you shouldn’t try to eat McDonalds anyways. McDonalds is the two-dollar hooker of food, of course you’re going to have crippling depression after eating it.

Why is food better than love? I’ll give some reasons.

Reason #1: Food will never judge you for coming home drunk at three in the morning.

Reason #2: Food won’t care if you get fat, in fact, it will encourage your weight gain!

Reason #3: You never have to worry about making food happy, but it will always make you happy.

Reason #4: You don’t have to worry about pregnancy with food. You only have to worry about looking pregnant because you have had too much food.

Reason #5: Food doesn’t cause heartbreak; it only causes heartburn.

Reason #6: You can just throw away bad food. It’s a little more complicated to get rid of bad relationships.

Reason #7: Food will never reject you. Your stomach might reject food, though.

Reason #8: Free food is awesome. Free love makes you a hippy. Hippies smell.

Reason #9: Getting food is as simple as paying for it. Paying for love is illegal.

Reason #10: You don’t have to listen to food talk about its problems. You can use food to eat away your problems, though.

Reason #11: Unless you spill it on yourself, food isn’t clingy.

Reason #12: Every couple argues. Only people under the influence of drugs argue with food.

Reason #13: You’ll never have to worry about awkwardly introducing food to your family because your family already loves food.

Reason #14: You don’t have to buy anything for food. This allows you to buy even more food.

Reason #15: Kisses do not taste like brownies.

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