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September 02, 2008


I get some extremely bad text messages.

To start, I suppose I should say what I do for a living.

During the daytime hours, I build custom homes. Many people who are in the construction business are wonderful, well rounded people. However, part of my day is spent associating with an extremely trashy bunch.

I'm talking, of course, about rednecks.

These are my number one text message offenders.

Perhaps it is because of my proximity to power tools, or perhaps because when I was a little younger I decided to spend thousands of dollars on tattoos. I don't know. But for whatever reason, the rednecks have claimed me as one of their own.

Perhaps I adopt a slight drawl when in their company, as I have been known to do with virtually any accent. I am, of course, socially retarded. 

Regardless of the cause, I am bombarded on a nightly basis with stupid text jokes on my cell phone that are either racist or homophobic in nature.

I live in Rehoboth Beach. The population is 90 percent gay/lesbian (look it up). We make San Francisco look like a KKK rally. Almost all of my friends are gay, all of my neighbors are gay, and I wait tables in a gay bar at nighttime.

I do not appreciate racist or homophobic jokes.

Usually i just delete these messages. Sometimes my wife sees them first and looks at me like I'm an asshole just for associating with these people.

I have a solution.

The first one of them who sends me a gay joke tonight, I'm gonna send him a picture of my penis. Second text gets my butthole. Third one? Close up of the scrotum.

I may not make any friends at work, but I can just about guarantee I won't be getting any "queer" jokes on the old motorola any time soon.