Mother’s Day is right around the corner. This year you’ll ask us what we want for our special day and we’ll say, like we always do, “Oh, you don’t have to get us anything.” Well that’s a bunch of fucking bullshit.
Yes, you are our greatest gift, our pride and joy, our reason for living, blah blah blah blah blah. But we destroyed our genitals pushing you into this world and gave up the next several decades of our life making sure you didn’t die. The least you can do is reward us with nice material things one lousy day a year, no matter how much we tell you otherwise.
We gave up a lot to wipe your ass and dry your tears. Did you know we were all on track to become the most respected newspaper reporters in the greater Cleveland area? And then we had you.
Yes, when you were a kid, any random garbage was acceptable: macaroni necklaces, shit made out of clay, and an inedible breakfast in bed served as we were desperately trying to catch some last moments of sleep before the unending onslaught of being your nurturer began for yet another day.
But now? You can shop online for cripe’s sake. These are things we would like for Mother’s Day:
- A nice silk scarf from Nordstrom
- GOOD chocolates that we’re not going to share with your father
- Every G.D. book by that Wild woman, we like her. Have you seen the movie? It’s incredible, you should really see it–it reminds us of you in a lot of ways
- Expensive lavender candle
- Hire a decorator to finally redo the living room, we’re so sick of it the way it is
- A really nice box of stationery or some shit
- Trip to France for us and our everyone in our book clubs
- A fucking car–why the hell not???
So this year, we’re not going to cop out on your “but I’m really busy” or “Oh I think I sent it but it must have gotten lost in the mail” or “It’s a combined Mother’s Day AND Father’s Day gift” or “I’m getting you a plane ticket home to come visit you!”
We’re calling you on this weak-ass shit once and for all. Get your ass in gear, get off the goddamn Netflix for one fucking afternoon, and order us something nice and pricey. You better believe there should be a goddamn present on our doorsteps by Sunday morning at the LATEST.
Also, we don’t know if you got our message but your cousin Kevin just got suspended again (for bringing fireworks to a soccer game) so give your Aunt Debra a call please? We love you!