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May 12, 2017

Have you ever passed a squirrel and wished you knew what it was thinking? Now you can...

Squirrels. Wonderful creatures. Fast, nimble, intelligent. Durable and adaptive. But if only you knew what was going through a squirrel’s mind as it leapt from tree to tree, accomplishing athletic feats humans can only dream of. Well, I might be able to tell you just that.

Who am I? I am a practicing squirrelologist. That is not an official term. I have begged the scientific community to create an official word for scientists who study squirrels, but they have yet to do so. There’s rodentologist, which includes all rodents. But, I do not study any other rodents. I only work with squirrels.

I can just look at a squirrel, or even a picture of a squirrel, and tell you what they are probably thinking. Let’s begin…

Squirrel #1

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“I am a very good squirrel.”

Squirrel #2

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“Look at me! I’m a squirrel!”

Squirrel #3

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“Man, beavers fucking suck.”

Squirrel #4

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“When we have reached the depths of despair, only then can we look up and see the light of hope.” (He’s not quoting author Stephen Richards, he’s quoting a squirrel who actually said it first only we don’t speak their language.)

Squirrel #5

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“So, the Hundred Year’s War lasted for 116 years? Humans are weird.”

Squirrel #6

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“One time on a cruise, my friend Rachel made a pass at me and I rejected her because I didn’t want to hurt our friendship. Deep down, I had feelings for her. We’re both married now, but I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t been so hesitant. Yeah, squirrels go on cruises.”

Squirrel #7

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“I got American Gods for my birthday but never read it and NOW EVERYBODY’S TALKING ABOUT IT”

Squirrel #8

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“I love eating nuts. I don’t like when people make jokes about nuts being like testicles, because I think that’s sophomoric. But, I admit to finding some of the jokes funny.”

Squirrel #9

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“Scientists who study us are so cool. They should definitely have a name that accurately describes them. I know a very clever and handsome scientist who has made some very good points about this.”

Squirrel #10

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“Knock knock, anybody home?”

Squirrel #11

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“I could totally do that Matrix thing where I jump to the next roof.”

Squirrel #12

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“It disappoints me that the leading scientist who studies us has yet to have his grant approved by the scientific community, because it’s ‘not real science’. It is real science. These are my thoughts. If you think I’m cute you’ll share this article and maybe it will help him get his funding”

Squirrel #13

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“Time for a nap!”

Squirrel #14


“It’s dumb that some people can whistle but some can’t. If you know someone who can’t whistle, you should stop making fun of them for it. And you should also let that person’s grant be approved.”

Squirrel #15

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“Remember me? I’m still a squirrel!”

Squirrel #16

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“Why would the scientific community only have a term for scientists that study rodents, as if all rodents are the same. Are you calling me a mouse? I’m nothing like a mouse.”

Squirrel #17

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“Haha, I’m eating nuts. Get it?”

Squirrel #18

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“I am a cartoon.”

Wow. Wasn’t that extremely instructive? If only the scientific community would approve my grant so I could better share my research with the masses. If you are reading this and are in any position to make this happen, please let me know in the comments. Until then, I’m going to go read page 1 of American Gods again until it’s time for bed. Also Rachel, if you’re reading this, I still think about you.