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June 07, 2017

This list will help you pick the most perfectly satisfying moment to finally beat up your bully. It's time.

The worst thing about being bullied in high school is that most bullies get away with it. But for those of you that can patiently wait until the perfect time to get that sweet, sweet revenge: here are 8 of the most satisfying times to finally beat up your high school bully.

8. 10-year Reunion

This is a classic time to beat up your high school bully. Most people let their bully get good and sloppy drunk while they tell dumb stories about basketball or monster trucks or whatever bullies talk about. Stay sober and wait until a few people are around to witness it, then knock them out with a swift right hook.

7. The Wedding of Your High School Crush

Remember when your high school crush saw you get bullied that one time and laughed at you? You’ll finally get the respect you deserve by surprising your high school bully (who is probably in the wedding party) with a hard kick to the shin during their toast to the happy couple.

6. During Their Concession Speech After Losing a State Government Election


43% of high school bullies go on to get involved in state government, likely due to their innate desire for power but inability to express it in a healthy way. Wait until they lose a close race and are forced to give a concession speech to their small but loyal group of supporters. Right as they say “We did our best,” emerge from the wings of the auditorium and tackle them! The look of sheer confusion in their eyes, combined with their first big professional disappointment, will make it doubly satisfying.

5. “Accidentally” Running into Them While They Enjoy a Long-Deserved Vacation


Years working at the factory and finally a little peace for your high school bully. Yeah right! Find out where they are going, take the red-eye, and jump onto that hammock with them and just wail on ‘em. Not only is it satisfying to really wail on them while they struggle in the hammock, its also satisfying to know that you are probably ruining their idea of vacations forever.

4. The Day They Get Their Divorce Finalized


“Whoa”, some of you are saying, “isn’t that a little dark”?

Well, wasn’t it a little dark to put your head in the toilet and make you sing happy birthday to your own poop after math class that one time? Yes.

Most people find that kicking their high school bullies in the stomach right when they get their divorce papers is the best moment, but definitely experiment and find what works for you.

3. When They Show Up to Get Their Kidnapped Dog Back


Kidnap their dog, then beat them up when they show up for the ransom exchange. Simple. Clean. Extremely Satisfying.

2. At the Funeral for One of Their Parents


This one can actually be a little tricky because they will constantly be surrounded by grieving family and friends; you’d be surprised how difficult it can be to land a flying two-foot kick to the face in a crowd. Wait until their heartbreaking eulogy; they’ll be alone at the head of the casket. That’s the best time to drop kick them in the face, say most people who have assaulted their high school bully at a funeral.

1. The Moment You Diagnose Them With Stage IV Cancer


Very few known times to beat up your high school bully are more satisfying than this one. It takes absolute dedication: years of medical school, then a grueling internal medicine residency, then a prestigious hematology-oncology fellowship at a nationally recognized university hospital. Then setting up your practice, delivering thoughtful care for years and years to people with cancer.

Then, finally, your high school bully shows up. “Hey Doc, remember me from high school? I heard you were the best in town. I haven’t been feeling too good lately and my regular doctor sent me here. Boy, I hope it’s not too serious! I have 7 grandchildren and I volunteer at the homeless shelter every day. Also, I don’t know if you remember, but I used to give you a hard time in high school. I sure am real sorry about that. I was a jerk and you never deserved that kind of treatment. Anyway, what is this big bump on my neck?”

Right after you give your bully a terminal diagnosis, sucker punch them right in the kisser! Savor this moment. You deserve it!