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Published September 12, 2008 More Info »
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Published September 12, 2008

I'll never be happy with my job. Not just the one I have, but any job I'll ever have. I just overheard the president of my company walking by on his cell saying "Well you tell him if he can't do it, we'll find someone who can!" There is no corporate ladder I want to climb that will get me to the place where I would say that. I think it's because I already live my life in retirement mode and only consider working in places that allow me plenty of time off.

 

I work a pretty strict 9 to 5 schedule (strictly enforced by me, and usually it's more like 9:30 to somewhere in the 4 o'clock hour with a lunch break consisting of spending 15 minutes finding a new burrito place and then an hour contemplating the inside of the J. Crew dressing room.) Last night I left at 5:15 and as I passed one of my bosses, I pointed at my watch and said "I just earned overtime! It's after five!" and he looked a little mad because five o'clock is usually his lunchtime. If you want to work these hours, pal, you've got to earn this admin title, that's what I say. My boss also brings me back chocolates when he travels, it's very Mad Men old-timey, except I'm too lazy to flirt or thank him. Mama wants her candy! Gimme nom nom! The other sad thing is that when boss says "Can you order me those pens I like?" I know exactly what he means - no one should ever know someone else's pen choices, it's not right. But that's the trade-off, Swiss mocha confections for Liquid Espresso precision.

 

I've always worked these shit jobs with the hope that my extracurriculars would be what makes me very, very rich - as in like, I will become a very famous blogger or improviser (because those are lucrative jobs, right?) Allow me to point out some of my previous jobs, the ones I'm glad aren't my "REAL JOB" because if they were, and I didn't actually do anything else to supplement them, I should just not be allowed to exist. Once I dressed teddy bears in Ralph Lauren three-piece-suits. Teddy bears who could afford cashmere but I couldn't. I have also worked in 2 offices where I didn't even have a computer. I was expected to file things and answer the door. Two jobs in this century that didn't provide computers! I mean!

 

The best part is that one of those jobs was at a place called the National Bank of Canada, so at the very least I could impress people by saying I worked at NBC. It was one of those places where people seemed to come out of some 1980's wormhole, very "extras in Working Girl". Let the river run, indeed. The river of my tears.

 

Even though it was like, desperate times and all, I had to quit NBC after a month so I broke it to my boss, some lady named Joy whose biggest fear was catching West Nile Virus, and to celebrate, I decided to buy lunch at the infamous (and, what they don't tell you, expensive) Soup Nazi.

 

It was winter, the heat was blasting in the office and so I took time out from my filing and door-opening to walk down to the Goebbels of Gumbo. I didn't know you get a full on meal from the Nazi - it came with bread, a fruit salad and a chocolate, too much to eat all at once. Long story short, I left NBC that Friday (not knowing that my illustrious future would hold Funny or Die or pen-ordering) and never looked back, except to remember Monday morning that I forgot to take my leftover fruit salad home and left it sitting next to the blasting heater all weekend. I'm sure Joy thought she was having a West-Nile induced, garbage-scented stroke when she came in on Monday. Oops!

 

Thanks for reading my blog this week. I'll leave you with a link to a video of people more successful than I...A few years ago (I just accidentally typed "A few tears ago"- How does the computer know!?) I made a video with some friends and now two of those friends have fantastic careers, Bobby Moynihan will be on SNL this fall and Jeff Hiller is in a Ricky Gervais movie, Ghost Town, (premiering next week!) and I'm totally riding their coattails by telling you, but they are seriously talented, so enjoy them in a clip from when they were still lowly enough to hang out with me in my apartment: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5281

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