SHIT !

By Joe Burton March 29, 2012 | 650,339 Views

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Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that

you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the province of B.C. laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

Up next: 7 Corporate Ads Based On 'Yeezus' Lyrics

Credits Details

: Uploader
Joe Burton

Added about 1 year ago

8135 funny votes

720 die votes

Description: Joke

Categories: Dumb People Jokes Blogs

Keywords: FUNNY

Patience is overrated...

the best laught I had this week... :D
All completely made up...
"My husband didn't say a word...he knew better." This crap isn't really flying today ... anymore than the reverse would fly ("Yeah, the wife didn't say a word ... she knew better"). I would know better and you'd have to friggin' get a job instead of leeching of this person who better know better. I guess your husband "knows better".
crap post.
MAN THESE ALL TOTALLY HAPPENED AND ARE SO FUNNY
Would had been funny if it wasn't so obviously fake! Sorry, but not funny!
how is this funny? Obv. fake as hell. Get the fuck off stumble, Joe
Whether it's real or not just enjoy it. It's funny, when you hear a joke you know it's not true yet you still laugh stop being bitter.
whether true or not.....i laughed hard reading all the testimonies....
nice, very nice
thos wasnt even funny, it sounds like youre just a bad parent. i think this is the only thing ive ever disliked on stumbleupon.
FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: A GOOD LAUGH FROM GRANDMA
Kissing?
Jacques, just because you don't find something funny unless it pornography or someone is saying F**k you, don't blame the rest of us. Snort..."unless it's funny and up to date..snort". And Grant. sigh. Please get a life and stop taking yourself so seriously.
WANDA!!!!!!!!!
Lol I wish I could make up shit like that... you all have no sense of humor/imagination .. or you just had a really bad day. Which I'm okay with either way I enjoyed myself :)
The Bank and Taco Bell story was WAY funnier than the last one.
Made my night. Thank you so much. Check out my travel blog www.travelonsteroids.com. Maybe one day I'll write about an embarrassing moment.. just hope it's nothing like the bank!
true story: iwas all dressed up for a really important interview one back in the 70s or 80s. i was in heavy traffic and really did not want to be late for the interview as i wanted the job really bad, i am a good driver and still would have let a fellow driver in but this total jerk just but in front of me almost hitting me. later we ended up side by side at the light i looked right at him and flipped him off! i proceeded to my interview and after waiting in the lobby for a while was let in to see "the boss" who just happened to be the guy i had just flipped off! boy was my face red and no i didnt get the job but i do tell my kids, cuss em out cause they cant hear you but never flip em off!
this is seriously great
I was at the buttex store and was looking for a good buttsex when I asked the guy behind the counter if he could give me good buttsex. He said "yes" and I was happy and purchased some.
wow bad kids need discipline
http://immaginidivertenti.biz/
Laaaawl
That last one was funny as hell