1) Hero Dad Finds A New Way To Cover Himself In Someone Else’s Blood
AAAAAAAAAND WE. ARE. BACK! Got to give it up to the writers for coming up with a new way to have a character on this show be totally covered in someone else’s blood. “What if this guy is covered in another guy’s blood, but it’s a LIVING guy’s blood this time?!?” “God dammit, Steve. That’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard in my life. You’re getting a raise and a better parking spot. And a more attractive wife. And kids that respect you and don’t think you’re a loser. Welcome to Hollywood, baby!” Every conversation in Hollywood ends with, “Welcome to Hollywood, baby!”
But did Travis (I HAVE KNOWN HIS NAME THIS WHOLE TIME. WHAT A TWIST. DIRECTED BY M NIGHT ZOMBIELAN.) really need to kill these guys because they murdered Chris? The punishment should fit the crime and in the case of shooting Chris in the head I think these two deserve to be taken out to a steak dinner and a weekend at Disneyland. That actually doesn’t seem like enough, maybe throw a couple of ice cream sundaes in the mix and alright, hold the zombie phone, I need to come clean with you guys. As was previously stated in part one of this two-part recap that should’ve been one part, I’m in the middle of the longest travel day of my life. We started a stopwatch on the way to the airport. That stopwatch is currently THIRTY FIVE hours deep. So this one is going to be all over the place and probably shitty but maybe that’s the most on the nose way to wrap up this fart storm of a season.
2) Alicia’s Plan To Leave With Travis
Alicia. Baby girl. Sweet Lady ‘Sha. Can I call you Sweet Lady ‘Sha? I’m gonna just go ahead and call you Sweet Lady ‘Sha. I implore you to think this terrible plan over. For starters, this man chose Chris over you so clearly his judgment chews whale boners all the livelong day. Plus, he just rage murdered two bros. Maybe he’s not the most stable travel companion? But way more importantly than all of that: YOU GUYS HAVE ICE AND HOT SHOWERS AND ELECTRICITY AND DID I MENTION THE ICE. This place is hooked up! I dated someone for five months one time just because they had luxurious bedding and a Hulu account with no commercials. Think you can stick it out here and let Hero Dad wander the earth in search of a new awful son to look after.
3) Skull Removal Procedure Seems Risky And Also Gross
This procedure seems risky. I don’t know too many people getting parts of their skull removed and walking away from the operating table to coherently tell the tale. And that’s with all the advantages of modern medicine and a fully operational hospital. Homeboy is about to use a letter opener on this guy’s noggin in the break room of a Hyatt and pray for the best. I don’t see this ending well.
ACK! THIS IS REALLY GROSS. Certifiably ew. Blech. Maybe they think being gross is a substitute for being good? I certainly know some people that fit that description! Welcome to Hollywood, baby!
4) Nick! Don’t Get Blood On That Cool Jacket!!!
That’s a really cool jacket! And for a character with such a rich history of ill-fitting clothes that are also stupid looking, Nick should be embracing this new garment’s potential instead of dousing it in gut juice. I don’t know what the meaning of life is (SHOCKING) but I know a big part of what makes me tick is accumulating cool jackets and then wearing them. And every now and then you’re going to lose a jacket. That’s just the way it goes. Maybe you lost one at a rave in San Bernardino. But that only means there’s a new jacket waiting to enter your life in the future. There’s a real lesson to be had there and I think it’s don’t go to raves in San Bernardino.
5) You Don’t Need To Be A Brain Surgeon To Know That Was Disgusting
Brain surgery is my new favorite character. So bold. So compelling. So dynamic. So gross. The grossest. And didn’t they JUST do a super gross thing with someone’s skull on this very show last episode? I threw up and then I threw up on top of my pile of throw up and then I gazed upon the meta vomit and puked once more. And then I laughed out loud at the dainty brain stab that wrapped it all up. That stab was so dainty and gentle. But be a gentleman and spit on that thing before you put it in! Sorry. That was a gross joke. I’m gross. But I can’t be held accountable; this gross show just makes me gross by association. Agrossiation. Whale boners.
6) This Is The Second Gate They’ve Left Open
DICK MOVE, GANG. Second time y’all have left a gate wide open (in a season finale situation) leaving a community of your peers susceptible to attack. I would say it’s the third time, but that last place you just kind of burned to the ground. Not sure that counts. This gang sucks. They are a bad gang and they ruin everything whenever they go anywhere. If they all got together and tried to reheat a slice of pizza in a microwave, they would not succeed in their mission of trying to reheat a slice pizza in a microwave. I’m so good at writing and words. Pretty much the best in Hollywood, baby! SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU THINK THESE WORDS ARE GREAT WORDS AND I DESERVE A RAISE AND A NEW PARKING SPOT AND KIDS WHO RESPECT ME.
7) Diet Dr. Salazar Isn’t Looking So Hot
Damn, dude. You’re not looking great! It’s almost like these zombie bites don’t have vitamins. Why, exactly, did Nick come back? Is it love? No. No, it’s not. It’s him being dumb. And being dumb can be a very similar sensation to being in love so it’s easy to confuse the two. I think there’s a lesson to be had here and it’s whale boners.
8) Madison’s Detective Skills
Great detective work, Madison! “Hmm. This guy has an ID in his wallet with an address, this must be where Nick is because there’s only one address in Mexico. Also everyone is definitely living in the same place as what’s on their license these days. Crushing the detective game.” This was offensive. I threw a shoe at my television and made a promise to myself to start reading books again. Fun fact about whales: They get boners sometimes. Then again, maybe they don’t? I didn’t obtain a fancy degree in boner studies from Whale University, but it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know this is the worst thing I’ve ever written. Sound off in the comments if you can actually remember one I wrote that’s worse than this.
9) Cart Cartel Shooting Their Guns In The Air
Hey, guys. Maybe don’t shoot your guns in the air? That’s both a waste of bullets and also attracts zombies and also you could hurt someone! What goes up must come down. Like this plane I’ve been on for 11 hours after being on another plane earlier today for 11 hours after being on a plane before that for 2 hours with two 5-hour layovers in the middle. Add that shit up, it equals one whale boner of a recap.
10) Travis’ Double Gun Maneuver
You look like a real dolphin dong holding your guns like that, Travis. Get that shit out of here.
11) Nick’s Perfect Plan Fell Apart
You mean to say marching 30 people across the US border with your faces covered in zombie blood (new face blood high score, we did it) didn’t work out? I’m shocked. I don’t know what to believe anymore. No way to have seen that coming. Joke goes here. Then another joke here. Then a really good joke that ties the last two jokes together. I’m so good at writing jokes. JOIN US NEXT SEASON! Will Nick blah blah BLAHHHH?!? Sure. Will lady do blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Who gives a shit? Welcome to Zombiewood, baby! Sorry this recap was donkey thumbs, I’m delirious and have been awake now for 40 hours. Thanks for reading these and hanging in there with me this season! Especially those of you who quit watching the show entirely but still checked in with this rambling nonsense every week. But don’t worry, you won’t have to miss me too much because I WILL BE BACK WRITING ABOUT THE WALKING DEAD WHEN SEASON SEVEN STARTS IN THREE WEEKS so see you guys then! Byeeeeeee!