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January 11, 2017

43. Performing one last time on the White House roof with his metal band, Death Panel.

1. Killing Osama Bin Laden’s even more evil brother
2. One last game of hot lava across the entire White House with Biden
3. Repealing Obamacare
4. And immediately replacing it with Even Obama-ercare
5. Replacing all the White House showerheads with shiny new gold ones
6. Producing a brand new birth certificate for whichever country he decides to lead next
7. Two packs of cigarettes and a middle finger
8. Strolling shirtless across the White House lawn, “Michelle 2020” back tattoo on full display
9. Not taking everyone’s guns away, but just going around and mixing them all up
10. Not taking everyone’s guns away, but just symbolically taking them away from one redneck at random
11. Hiding in the closet until Trump shows up and jumping out dressed as Swamp Thing
12. Launching Hope Energy Drink
13. Killing Negan
14. Big-time Just For Men sponsorship deal
15. Taking the only remaining VHS copy of that Sinbad genie movie out of the safe
16. Meryl Streep Film Festival
17. Sledding out the front door of the White House, Home Alone style
18. Ziplining out the back window of the White House, Home Alone style
19. Taking off the mask and doing whatever it is reptilians do instead of wink
20. Finally letting Joe Biden sit on his shoulders while wearing one trench coat
21.Overturning the pardons of 8 very smug turkeys
22. Leading the Women’s March on Washington while twirling a baton
23. Walk-off home run in a softball game against Russia
24. Getting a motorcycle and becoming a bounty hunter
25. The speech from the end of Rocky IV
26. Finally beating Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a pie-eating contest
27. Making the Monday after the Super Bowl a national holiday
28. For everyone except the Browns. They have mandatory practice
29. Doing a Cheshire Cat, where everything slowly vanishes except his smile. And also his ears
30. One last thorough check of the country for Bigfoots
31. One last prank call to Kim Jong Un, on speaker phone so we all can hear
32. A meaningful handshake and one or two lines of bittersweet voiceover about how he and Merrick Garland drifted apart after 2016
33. Stopping in at a D.C. Starbucks, where everyone climbs on the tables and does the “O Captain! My Captain!” thing
34. Universal HBO
35. Retweeting the details of your band’s big gig in a couple weeks
36. Banning sad dog commercials
37. A big song and dance number with the entire Cabinet and all his Secret Service agents
38. And then lifting off in a flying convertible with his arm around Michelle
39. Legally making rollerblading cool again
40. Unmasking Banksy
41. Being Banksy
42. Marrying Daenerys
43. Performing one last time on the White House roof with his metal band, Death Panel
44. Converting Area 51 into a theme park
45. With a big reveal that he’s actually a host
46. Strictly making red baseball caps against White House dress code
47. Appearing as a surprise guest on the couch with a panel of B-celebrities recapping his presidency
48. A cry-off with John Boehner
49. Spending the last hour with his finger hovering only an inch above the red button, just to feel the rush of power one more time
50. Capping internet joke lists at like 10 or 15