1) Snake Brunch Is The Most Important Meal Of The Day
I don’t know about you guys, but I just don’t feel like my day has started until I’ve dined on snake guts and a can of undetermined pink goo. My food pyramid is just snakes and goo and most of the time I feel like I’m about to die any second.
2) Perfect Hiding Spot For A Huge Ass Gun
So I guess this shed was designed by the people who make Resident Evil games. Feels a little odd to hide something behind a message alluding to the fact that there’s something hidden behind the message, but whatever! When life hands you a giant huge gun in a dimly lit shed, don’t ask too many questions. Pretty sure that’s the golden rule.
3) Trips Hold Relationships Together
If Alicia and Bozo want to keep this thing together, taking a trip together is a smart call. Seriously, nothing holds a struggling relationship together like knowing there’s a trip on the books. It forces you to say, “I might breakup with this moron, but not before I use these nonrefundable ferry tickets to Catalina Island.”
4) Nick At Night
I don’t know about you guys, when I want to relax I like to saunter out to my balcony and slam a knife down while I smoke a cigarette. Really helps me unwind!
This fucker. Ugh. Is he a mirage again or is he actually here? Better wait to see if he does any gymnastic maneuvers. As we learned before, gymnastic maneuvers equal a mirage. Why is it that Nick, the person with access to shelter, is the one who looks like John McClane in the back half of a Die Hard movie? Also, Nick, RUN! “In a few hours, this place will be obliterated,” is not a thing people say for fun. It’s a thing you say when you’re the first person to use a portapotty at Coachella on Friday morning.
5) SLOW DOWN, JAKE!
Not the car. Your killer story about coyotes and rabbits. You probably should’ve told Nick and all the viewers at home to buckle our seat belts before you launched into this gripping yarn!
6) Troy Takes A Knee
Troy double disrespects the flag by getting down on BOTH knees. He stands for freedom of speech, as long as you’re using it to rattle on about noises you like. This podcast sucks. Kick his ass, Jake!
Yeah. That’ll show him! Beating him up ten seconds after you should’ve put a bullet in his head, about eight episodes after you should’ve shot him the first time, will definitely teach him! He definitely learned his lesson. Too bad he just sent ten thousand zombies your way, but let’s deal with one problem at a time.
7) Nick & Troy: Arm Doctors
Tough break, Jake! I know things look grim, but you’re in good hands! Nick and Troy: Arm doctors extraordinaire. They might not always get the job done right. The might not always get the job done quickly. But most of the time they get it done or whatever and that’s a goddamn guarantee.
8) Trying To Funnel A Zombie Conga Line Two Miles Long With A Few RV’s Might Not Be The Best Idea
There are good plans and there are great plans and this is neither. This is a shitty plan, something the folks on this show really seem to excel at. They’re actually wasting precious time and vehicles with this insanely stupid plan. “Hey, everybody! Let’s go over there on top of a mountain and we can take turns farting!” is somehow a much better plan with a higher chance of success than this mess.
9) Troy Is Being A Little Baby Right Now
Troy, I don’t know how to explain this to you in ways you can understand but literally everything happening right now is your fault. 100% of all the bad shit going on presently is because you are incapable of making good choices. So don’t cry about it! You need to own those bad choices and learn from your mistakes. That’s how we grow. Except I’m not sure you’re ever going to grow, maybe just kill yourself like Nick suggested. Grow a bullet in your head, that feels like a better use of energy at this point.
10) Alicia’s Head Shot
Hell yeah, Alicia! Way to step up and shoot that guy getting eaten alive in the brain when his gun was out of ammo. Doing what needs to be done! Love it. And with that one shot, it really seems like she propelled herself into a leadership position! Probably because everyone was worried they would be blasted in the skull if they didn’t comply. It’s an effective way to manage and motivate your team. Anyone else get some throwback Rick Grimes vibes here when he went full machete block party in Alexandria? I got those vibes! Now all we need is Alicia to get up and scream a speech about how we can’t go back because we’ve done things and the way the things are is because of the things we’ve done.
11) Troy Didn’t Seem To Struggle That Much With Stabbing His Brother In The Brain
Troy didn’t seem to grapple THAT MUCH with stabbing his zombie brother in the brain after his unbroken streak of shitty decision making caused his brother to turn into a zombie. If having trouble stabbing your brother in the head was Taco Bell hot sauce, Troy just went with medium hot sauce for his cheesy gordita crunch. That is to say there was a variety of substantially more intense sauce options. That is also to say I am hungry and will probably get tacos for lunch. Tune in next week! What board game will Alicia and the basement gang play first while they’re trapped down there? Hopefully not Monopoly, everyone will kill each other in twelve minutes. Will Troy continue to be the fucking worst? I’m sure he’ll turn his act around. Then turn it around again so he’s facing the same shitty direction as when he started. How will Madison react to the new house guests? They can stay, but only after Salazar interrogates them to find out what they know. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S03E13 of Fear The Walking Dead!