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March 30, 2009


* Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow guy, was arrested for fighting with a prostitute.

Sources close to the whore say, "He tried to use his ShamWow as a condom. When I said no, he shoved his sac in my mouth and screamed, 'You're gonna love my nuts.' then threatened to use his Slap Chop on me."

* A new bra claims to massage and reduce toxins, as well as prevent breast cancer.

Sources close to this reporter say, "Sounds like a line my last boyfriend gave me. I love you. You're the only one for me. I'll pull out."

It would be awkward if a bra really massaged your hooters. Husbands everywhere would be saying, "Oh, you're wearing that special bra again, huh? Guess you don't need me anymore. What's next, whore? You gonna spend my whole paycheck on pulsating panties?"

P.S. Sorry for being MIA, story of my life. Busy with lots of freelance work. Branched out to writing stand-up for others. So far so good. If you know someone who needs a writer, please send them here.