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November 27, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.


The head of the Securities and Exchange Commission is expected to step down this week. She was hoping to retire completely but she lost most of her money in the stock market. 

Warren Buffett wrote a new op-ed once again calling for higher taxes on the wealthy. The title of the op-ed? "Seriously, My Secretary is Treated Terribly."

The Syrian government reportedly received financial support from Russia over the summer. Said Russia, "You lost your virginity and a deal is a deal." 

NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly criticized Obama for not doing more on gun control. On the bright side, he's at least moved on from criticizing ALL black people. 

Israel's Defense Minister announced he plans to retire from politics. So get ready, whatever Israel's version of Florida is.

Lindsay Lohan is said to be devastated by all the bad reviews of her TV movie "Liz & Dick." Even worse, she doesn't have that valet parking job to fall back on. 

The maker of the anti-Islam film "Innocence of Muslims" remains unapologetic for the film. Double goes for the maker of the anti-not giggling film "The Oogieloves." 

In an online video, star of "Two and a Half Men" Angus T. Jones said, “Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth." Accordingly, he has been offered his own sitcom on FX.

An autopsy of the man who died after he won a cockroach eating contest revealed that he choked. Meanwhile, an autopsy of the man who did the autopsy suggests he died from being super grossed out.

The Indianapolis Colts cheerleaders shaved their heads as part of a charity fundraiser. Said one cheerleader, "My head look like football now, oh no please don't comfuse haha."

A new study claims that smoking "rots" the brain and damages one's ability to think. Apparently there's these things called "tumors"?