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December 15, 2015

How To Become A Man: Having Sex In The Backseat Of A Car But In A Cool Way

So you’ve just had a super romantic evening with your main gal and you’re both feeling it … you gotta bone. But bad news! Her roommate’s got her book club over and your roommate’s having a drinking party for the big game. That leaves only one location option for physically expressing your mutual erotic love: the backseat of your car! It’s not always ideal but it is one of the checkpoints all men pass through on their road to manhood.

As an individual who is slightly taller and drastically ganglier than the average male, I know all too well how awkward it can feel trying to hump effectively in the backseat of a sedan. And sex in unfamiliar territory, while thrilling, usually leads to abrupt losses in rhythm and angles that make boinking way more square than your classic roll-in-the-hay. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Below is a guide to having sex in the backseat of a car but in a cool way.

1. Stretch.
Naturally, you’ll make out in the front seat for about five minutes before retiring to the back. This will give you plenty of time to limber up your legs, torso, and neck for the most demanding bit of contortion you’ll ever experience.

The only way to be cool while making out is to be 100% present with your lip partner, so the trick here is to incorporate loosening exercises seamlessly into each of your classic kissing moves. EASY! Roll your neck by kissing different parts of her face, ears, and cheeks/chin. Stretch those hammies by dipping her deep and kissing her wet between the driver and passenger seats. And warm up those abs by rocking her tenderly back and forth in your big strong nurturing arms.

2. Suggest backseat sex by breaking off a kiss, looking into her eyes, glancing deliberately at the backseat, then back at her, raising your eyebrows and shrugging with a “naughty boy” grin.
This move is a clear sign that you’re not so disgusting as to WANT to get busy in your filthy back seat, but, hey, I’m-down-if-you-are-and-wouldn’t-it-be-wild-and-funny-if-we-did?

Do not say, “We should go to the back seat to have sex.” Playfully suggesting you boink in a non-traditional place is always cool but, you know, don’t be a weirdo perv about it.

3. Laugh nervously after every failed attempt at a position.
Inevitably, it will take multiple tries until you find a sex position that is both erotic and sustainable, but don’t fret! This is exactly why humans have evolved involuntary nervous laughter. Can you imagine how quickly car backseat sex would end (thus halting innumerable potential procreations) if we weren’t equipped with the perfect way to cut awkward silences in between attempts at having comfortable sex? There’d be no more backseat babies ever conceived!

Fun fact: RHCP bassist Flea was a backseat baby. Which is pretty cool.

4. If something goes wrong, do NOT say, “Whoopsy!”
Backseat sex is bound to cause a few slip-ups (and slip-outs), so if you accidentally make a wrong move here or there, avoid unsexy exclamations like “Whoopsy!” “Gee-Golly!” or “Oopsie-kins.” These all make you sound less masculine, less cool, and ultimately, less fuckable.

Use cooler, more masculine exclamations like:
“Motherfucking dammit”
“Fuck fuck fuck, FUCK!”
“Crap, my dumb ass dick!”

5. If the cops catch you, pull your pants up and then calmly and sincerely explain the situation.
Most cops are reasonable. Calmly explain why you two couldn’t have sex in a home (we’ve all been there) and relate how hard it is to hold back when you’re really vibing each other hardcore (they’ll remember what it was like to be young). If they still want to arrest you, tell them if they let you go this one time you promise to get married.

The least cool thing to do when a cop catches you doing something illegal is to freak out and run away naked with your lil’ dingle flapping everywhere. Don’t do that.

6. Afterwards, scrawl “your initials [heart] her initials” in the sex steam that’s built up on the windows.
This is a cutesy but genuine gesture that shows you aren’t in this just to get your rocks off. You love this woman and, hopefully, she loves you back, and it’s this love that makes physical intimacy with her, no matter the location, feel bigger than your two bodies — an uncontainable intimacy that expands through time and space while simultaneously securing the two of you at one beautiful defined point in an otherwise sprawling and unstoppable universe. And that’s something a real man should never hesitate to express.

Plus, the steam will all disappear by the time you get home so your boys won’t see it and call you a pussy.

You had sex in the backseat of a car, but in a cool way!