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February 23, 2015

I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

In the age of swiping right, swiping left and swiping your dignity under your knock off IKEA rug, there’s no better time to put your most intimate details on blast for the entire world to see than now. If you’re bored of Tinder and Match.com why not experiment and look for another way to get struck by Cupid’s STD arrow? Because the Internet is a battleground of phony dating websites and negative influences, I have taken the liberty of weeding out some of the best dating sites in the hopes of helping you find someone to share your life and a health insurance policy with.

1.) WealthyMen.com


If there’s any website that scream’s “my father never loved me” it’s this one. If you’re into being the side chick of an emotionally unavailable NYC investment banker who has a wife and three kids nestled in a New-England style estate in Connecticut then you are set to find the man of your dreams here! For just a small monthly fee you can pretend that morals don’t matter and that good things really do come in Saks packages. Ladies if this sounds like your kind of commitment then climb on top for two and half minutes and claim your Michael Kors bag!

2.) WomenBehindBars.com


Can’t wait for season 3 of Orange Is The New Black? Are you the type of guy that likes to “save” girls? Well then Women Behind Bars is for you! For the small price of $4 (plus bail money) you can get access to the addresses of some of America’s finest women being held by the legal system. These women are looking for real relationships from real men who don’t mind a girl in a sleek, orange one-piece wedding suit. If she sounds like your kind of problem, then gentlemen, step right up and claim your pen pal before death row does!

3.) MarryMeAlready.com


Have you ever wanted a man or woman who alienates you from your family and friends? What about someone who threatens suicide if you attempt to break up with them? Then your next prescription drug dependency is at Marry Me Already. This site is geared towards people looking for singles who are serious about dating and ready to skip the “get to know each other” process all together. If you’re ready to live a real Lifetime movie 24/7 and settle for retirement by trading in your 401k for a 5150 hold, then don’t delay!

4.) GlutenFreeSingles.com


Have all your friends abandoned you because you can’t stop talking about how much better your life is now that you don’t eat bread? Were you never well liked in high school or college? Does the word “bagel” carry the same meaning as when someones responds “K” to you in a text? Welcome to Gluten FreeSingles, the best place to find someone as difficult as your eating habits. Celiac, allergies, dairy intolerant they don’t discriminate! Whether it’s freshly brewed lesbian kombucha or kale harvested by a newborn, your self-involved lover who doesn’t care if you finish is waiting for you in Whole Foods aisle 7, so sign up now!

5.) HowAboutWe.com


Ever wanted to get someone to only do the things you are interested in? What about finding someone that doesn’t have opinions or interests of their own? Well then HowAboutWe is for you! The concept of this dating website is very similar to the title in place. Users sign up and then suggest things to do like “how about we go to brunch” and see if anyone wants to join you or search for certain dates and see what people are doing next Monday if you want to join them. Obviously the two have to agree to attend together but can you imagine some of the suggestions that probably go on? I composed a couple of my own fantasy “how about we’s” in order to convery my most ideal of meet ups:

-“How about we….watch entire seasons of TV shows on Netflix so we don’t actually have to get to know each other.”

-“How about we…. call my dad together so he can’t really tell me what he thinks about my hopes and dreams because another person is listening.”

-“How about we….get dinner and lie about our deepest insecurities in order to prove that we may or may not be capable of another date with each other.

-“How about we….do everything that I want to do because that’s the only way I’ll actually be happy.”

-“How about we….talk about meeting up but never actually do it.”

6.) Purrsonals.com

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Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in quarantine forever? Have you failed at all personal and professional endeavors? Then get ready to lose all your friends and develop serious allergies when you sign up for Purrsonals, the only way to get guaranteed p*ssy (hair color will vary). The name says it all; you get to match up with fellow feline lovers and social situation haters who have been alone all their life just like you. Join now because it’s free (LOL) and find someone who’s just as bad at making direct eye contact and never officially been diagnosed with Aspergers.

7.) AgeMatch.com


Do you like changing diapers? How about going to dinner at 5pm? Then step right up and find your reason to move out of your parents house! Age Match is dedicated to bringing together singles that want to date someone vastly older than them. They say men look for women that remind them of their mothers, and what better way to be reminded than by dating someone who was born the same year? If you’re looking to completely destroy the relationship between you and your father by dating a man the same age as him, then step right up, hold your breath while kissing and claim your life insurance policy today!

8.) BeautifulPeople.com


Do you strictly like people who are only pretty on the outside? Is your favorite feature on your phone your own selfies? If you answered yes to both of those questions then Beautiful People is the superficial dating website for you. This website requires a screening of your photo to see if you have what it takes to make it on their website. It’s like be screened for heaven but instead of good deeds it’s based strictly on something you had no control over (plastic surgery not taken into consideration). If accepted you’ll have access to hundreds of terrible people just like yourself! Create a FREE membership today, because beauty is the ultimate price!

9.) CanDoBetter.com


Are constantly judging others before you meet them? Do you enjoy ruining people’s lives? If so, “Can Do Better” is the perfect place for you to direct your self-loathing! This website operates on a simple, yet deeply flawed system of one couple putting a picture up of each of them and then the masses deciding who “can do better,” it’s like the Hunger Games but for self-esteem! Whoever gets the most votes saying they “can do better” is emitted to the site. If you’re looking to tell your girlfriend or boyfriend “I told you so” then this is the place for you. Sign up now and let the world know you’re hanging on by a thread.

10.) SkyeCandy.com


Skye Candy is not a strip club airliner or a woman battling crippling daddy issues, it’s a dating website of course! If you’re into hiding behind a computer screen while typing obscenely, objectifying comments to another individual in a method to lure them into liking you or taking off an article of clothing, then Skye Candy is for you! Even the homepage of this website looks like a message board for human trafficking or if AA suddenly decided to not be so anonymous anymore. This website is geared towards “individuals who don’t have time to meet up” and want to have “video dates instead” AKA how soon till you take your clothes off for all of the Internet to see? This site seems like it’s trying to be progressive and geared towards the millennial who just doesn’t have the time to meet up or the social skills to carry a conversation past “hello.” Sign-up now to have you identity stolen by a middle-aged man.