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March 02, 2012

Only international prostitutes and D-list celebrities travel with this kind of style.

Just in case I get arrested, thrown in jail, or mistaken for an international prostitute and exiled to the former Soviet block, I’d like a chance to explain myself.

I’m leaving for Puerto Rico in a couple of days to join my husband, who is already there for a work meeting.  We’re going to spend the weekend together remembering that in addition to making solid roommates, we also really like hanging out with each other.

Because he travels often enough to have airline status, he never has to pay baggage fees, but when I travel alone, I have no perks and have to pay for checked bags.  So to save moola, he took all my luggage with him.  All my dresses, swimsuits, shoes, and toiletries are already in Puerto Rico.

It’s awesome because I can pretty much just walk on the plane with nothing.

Except, I didn’t send my fancy lingerie with him.  I didn’t feel like sorting through it before he left.  Also, I’m practically a Puritan, so the only kinky things I’ve got going for me are a spray tan and the element of surprise.  That’s why I have to pack my lacy things in my own carry-on bag.

I also forgot to send medicine with him.  We rarely get sick, but it would be a real shame to be on a lovely vacation and not have Immodium if the situation requires.  And I can’t forget the two varieties of allergy tablets, Advil, ADD capsules, and some antibiotics I never used, just in case.  I also self-diagnosed myself as needing more vitamins (thank you, Internet), so I’m packing 5 different kinds of those, too.  I don’t want to lug around all the bottles so I dumped several of every kind of pill into one giant Ziploc.

One last thing—I’m bringing a pair of heels to put on the moment my shuttle arrives at the resort because if any of my husband’s colleagues see me in the lobby, I don’t want to be in my Nikes.  There’s been too much exfoliating, plucking, and spray tanning today for a Nike first impression.

So let’s recap: I’m going on a several-day trip to Puerto Rico with no luggage except for a small carry-on containing a pair of heels, lots of lingerie, and a large bag of pills.

That won’t arouse suspicion.  No, not at all.

It reminds me of the times in high school when my friends and I would go to the grocery store in the middle of the night to buy massive amounts of toilet paper and nothing else.  And we’d try to look innocent, like we weren’t about to terrorize neighborhoods at 2 a.m.

Only this time, I’m not guilty of anything!!!  If the cops test my urine, they will find it to be unnaturally fluorescent yellow (from the vitamin B12), but otherwise clean.  How long does that process take?  Will I miss the plane?  And could I be put on a government list as a possible trafficker of something?  Heels, lingerie, pills…I could be an international prostitute, although the Nikes and lack of a Russian accent will surely invalidate that theory.

Once hooker is out, officials might think I’m an obscure reality star or D-List celebrity because who else packs like this?

Well, if I’ve been arrested and can’t post for a while, just know that I’m innocent.  If it makes the news, here’s to hoping the media doesn’t cast my fluorescent pee in an unflattering light.