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June 28, 2010


It's hard to begin a blog when you are uncertain about the spelling in your title.  Coincidence.  Okay, I wasn't spell-corrected, so I'm guessing it's okay.
What is a coincidence?  An obvious example would be the other day when I was out and I was thinking about my friend Jenny, because I haven't heard from her in a while, and I walked into the store just as the ABBA song "Waterloo" began playing on the radio and it made me smile. 
Jenny and I used to ride down Waterloo Street, (the street on which the teacher she had a crush on resided), and we'd be very inconspicuous in her grandfather's 1983, bright, white Lincoln, pimp-mobile,  car blasting "Waterloo", singing at the top of lungs and cruising back and forth...occassionaly, maybe that just one time flashing our  teenaged breasts.  Ahhhhhhh.  The glory days.
It was a coincidence that I had been thinking of her and then the song played. 
So...the other day, I ransacked my e-mail because I had OVER 7000 e-mails saved, and my computer has been running slow as shit, so I was reading and deleting, and I found a few e-mails with pictures and things.  I found a jackpot of e-mails from the favorite guy I love to hate and live to love...and of course, I had to say something.  My other friend had been online and I'd been sending old pics and e-mails with comments, etc.  Anyway, I wrote a comment and then promptly hit "reply" instead of "forward".
So, Rede got a copy of his e-mail from about 5 years ago from when he was leaving to go East and commented that he needed to "placate the wife" (he was engaged to someone else at the time), but he was trying to meet up with some of us before he went away.  I had commented, because he'd sent me a letter in April of this year, claiming that Nigel has been the dreaded "N" word and the reason that he never acted on this "love" he's been carrying for me all this time.  I had commented that I didn't think Nigel was the problem given that he was calling this other woman his "wife" even at that time...how the Hell was I supposed to guess that he was at all invested in having time with me when he was calling somebody else his "wife"? 
And, remember how last year he married that random chick in that nasty backyard with the blaring McDonald's sign in the background on my fucking birthday???  Now, he still says he "loves" me, he "really does love" me....he's just not going to do anything about it.  And, it's because he doesn't see me ever leaving Nigel and not because, I don't know, maybe because he can't go any signifigant amount of time without being engaged or married to whatever cleavage happenes upon him on any given day??
So...I called him on some shit even though I had no intention of him seeing it, and it got sent to him anyway.  I'm a little horrified, but then I ask myself about "coincidences".  Maybe it wasn't a "mistake", maybe this question has been irking me for a while and I've been dragging my feet about asking him because I don't want to scare him away.  Most of me agrees that if he can't handle that question, then it's not really much of a loss.  But, it's kind of like how dropping a piece of chocolate cake on the ground would "be a loss".  You know, there's nothing good for you in choclate cake, it's empty calories and it fattens you up, gives you pimples...doesn't mean you don't fucking want it, right?
I'm trying to figure out how I feel about what I did, beyond thinking it's kind of funny and that I'm such an idiot...it's not really that horrible...right?
Anyway, I was writing a letter to him (long hand and ON PAPER, so no unintended e-mail going out), just to try and put my thoughts out of my head and into a place where I can organize them better.  And, I realize that my problem is (well, one of my vast array of problems is LOL), my main problem with him is TRUST.  (Duh.)  Because I'm so stupid and have such an ego that I BELIEVE HIM when he says that he loves me and I BELIEVE HIM because I know HOW I FEEL, and that he's just the bees knees, and I want to be with him.  The catch 22 is that if he loves me, and has loved me which is "YEAH!", what I want, then he is a person who's capable of marrying someone he doesn't love, he'll get engaged and married for the sake of it...which means that whatever "commitment" he ever does offer to me...well it kind of doesn't mean shit, if you think about it.  He's been down on one knee TWICE and signed the papers, to someone ELSE, on MY birthday....need I go on?  (You know that I will, I just want to point out that I am aware at this point that I don't really need to. LOL)
So, I write my letter and then I'm channel flipping last night and I happen to stop on Frasier.  It is at the exact moment that the characters of Daphne and Niles are having a conversation because Daphne has been jealous of one of Nile's female patients (which I don't get because it's so obvious that Nile's is gay???), anyway,  she asks him about it because she says that he claims to have loved her for all these years when he was married to two other women (sound familiar?), and she's wondering who he's going to be in love with now that he's "with" her.  And, Niles explains that it's "different", and it's "different" because he used to be stuck in those relationships and sometimes think about Daphne.  Or, he'd be in a session at work, and he'd think about her.  And then he says "And now, I'll still be here, in a session and I'll be thinking about you."
So...it's different. 
And don't you know that I lapped that up like bear shoving it's head up a bee hive.
Was it coincidence, that I was asking such a similar question and i just happened to flip onto that channel, where it just happened to be something so familiar...and that it would offer such a romantic and ideal answer. 
Should I stop listening to television?