This week is a mash up.  I’m sorta obsessed with Mothra, and I’ve noticed that the most popular post I’ve ever had is Moral Monday:  The Scorpion and the Frog.  So … I decided to put them head to head, in … the Scorpion and the Mothra!

Now as readers of this blog already know, the Scorpion is a Meth-head that crossed into Utah, and in a murder-suicide, ended the life of a Mormon Frog by stinging the shit out of him, mid-river.  Because that’s what scumbag Meth heads do.  Dumb shit like that.

Scorpion prepares to be a dickhead.

Mothra, in contrast, is a monster-god, on a tiny Japanese Island, worshipped by magical, six-inch tall twin princesses, and a lot of “islanders” – basically more Japanese, but in loin cloths.  Mothra is really peaceful and cool, and runs his island with a velvet glove.  No crime, lots of singing and sex, and Mothra just chills in his mountain listening to jazz, and sends out the love.

Twin Princesses hanging in their cage. Cause that’s how Mothra likes it.

The only exception to Mothra’s chillness is when Godzilla starts fucking with Japan.  Which leads to a big dance number where the islanders gyrate and sing to Mothra, and the tiny princesses, who always speak at the same time – normally annoying but these two sex dolls can pull it off – ask Mothra to leave his fortress of mellow, and go kick Godzilla’s ass.

Resulting in Mothra doing just that … but in a really fucked up way.  Cause at first, Mothra seems to have a plan.  He flies around, and generally blasts Godzilla with hurricane winds (did I mention that Mothra can make hurricane winds by flapping?), which really pisses off Godzilla.  Then Mothra follows this move by knocking Godzilla down with his big-ass bug body, and then shooting him with his Mothra web – which Spiderman totally copied.

Godzilla being like … shit it’s fucking Mothra!

The only problem with the plan is where it leads … to Mothra’s death.  Because Godzilla always kills Mothra.  How?  He’s fucking Godzilla.  And if you don’t know Mothra’s end game, you get sad, cause Mothra’s dead.  And Mothra’s really fucking cool.  Like, you want to hang with him, and just shoot the shit.  Cause he’s Mothra.

And Godzilla is a total asshole.  And he’s cocky, which is why he keeps attacking Japan, thinking nobody can fuck with him.  But he’s wrong.  Because Godzilla doesn’t know Mothra’s real power … Mothra reincarnates!

As twin Mothra caterpillars!  Who emerge from giant glowing eggs after a big dance number by the natives, and a sexy song by the twin Princesses.  The new Mothras, after promising to tweet their adventures, swim off to Japan to get revenge for the death of old Mothra, who really is them, the baby Mothras.  It’s a Buddhist thing.

Twin Mothras catching rays and tweeting on the beach.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, so the new Mothras show up in Japan, and totally surprise the shit out of Godzilla, who’s too distracted with stepping on Japanese tanks to notice the sticky Mothra webs the twin Mothras shoot at him, eventually trapping the prick in a cocoon of goo.  Which they then drag to a volcano, and push Godzilla’s lame ass into.  Resulting in an earthquake, and ding, dong, the asshole’s gone.

And then the twin baby Mothras swim back to Mothra Island, and generally get the shit worshiped out of them, totally hooking up with the Princesses, until a few years later, Godzilla pops back up –cause he’s fucking Godzilla — and we repeat the whole drill.

So, what the hell does any of this have to do with the Scorpion you say?  The answer:  everything!  Cause Godzilla is the Scorpion.  He shows up out of nowhere, fucks with Mothra, kills our buddy mindlessly and eventually dies himself as a result.  The only difference is Mothra is not the Frog.   He’s the opposite of the Frog — the anti-Scorpion.  Cause Mothra is a big time Buddhist rockstar.  Kill him and he comes back stronger, which makes him quietly the most kick-ass giant monster ever.  Hear that, all you “he’s just a big filthy moth” haters out there.  That means you Forstotle!

Don’t think Mothra’s the real deal?  Read this poster!

Which is why the Scorpion, as messed up as he is on Meth, wouldn’t pull his shit on Mothra.   He’d get the hell out of Dodge if he saw giant fucking Mothra hovering over him.  None of this “hey, can I fly on your back then sting you and we both fall to our deaths while I laugh shit?”  Because the Scorpion would sense Mothra’s awesome Buddha power, and know that Karma’s a bitch.  Mothra’s bitch.

And it’s coming for you Scorpion.  Or should I say, Scorpion, soon to be re-born as the Frog.  That gets killed by the Scorpion.  Cause it’s all a circle.

Go Mothra.  Boo Scorpion.

Mothra Day biggest holiday on Mothra Island.