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June 01, 2009


Hi! It is Tuesday. How are you? I would like to go to space!

Pshoo pshoo! This is a nebula or a galaxy or something.

Here are three reasons why I would like to go to space:

1. Bouncing. It is a fascinating phenomenon that when you are in space and walking, you bounce around a lot. If you watch footage of the infamous 1969 moon landing when Stretch Armstrong planted the golf hole flag for a really hard-to-reach par 5, you'll notice that he looks like he's jumping on a trampoline. Of course, that's only if you believe it's real footage and not something fake cooked up by The Man. Starring Eugene Levy.

   Scientists are uncertain to this day of why people magically trampoline-walk while they're in space and on the moon. The prevailing theory is that in space, technology is better so aliens figured out with alien technology how to make walking much more fun. Hopefully, one day we'll figure out how to make walking on Earth as much fun as in space.

Close but no cigar, Nickelodeon shill.

2. In space, no one can hear me scream. This means I can play my music and yell and laugh and dance all night long, and neither my mom nor my angry landlord can tell me to shut up. I would throw non-stop parties, parties so non-stop that the Beastie Boys would stop by and say that it's because I can't and I won't and I don't stop. I'd say quit trying to sell your music, you hippies.

   The one drawback of not having my screams heard, of course, would be those situations in which I would be screaming for ice cream. I would be forced to eat only astronaut ice cream and, seeing as there are very few Smithsonian Museum gift shops in space, the stuff would be in very short supply. Plus astronaut ice cream is actually just re-packaged chalk.

There's absolutely no way of knowing whether this is chalk or astronaut ice cream.

3. I would like to speak with God. He hangs out up there in space all day, and it'd be cool to hear what he has to say about things. At first I'd be very cordial, then I'd get to the important questions. I'd probably be like, "why's there war?" and he'd be like "oh is there war? I didn't know that cuz I can't see from so far up in space." 

   We'd take a trip to Lenscrafters and get God a pair of eyeglasses so he could see everything, and then it'd be getting pretty late so I'd have to go. I'd be like "when can I come back?" and he'd be all "oh you know I'm sorta busy..." so I'd just leave. Then I'd realize I sort of wasted my time looking at eyeglass frames with God when I could have been throwing lightning bolts at people who bullied me as a kid.

God would probably be upset if he knew about this coupon he didn't use, so it'll be best not to tell him about it.

So that is why I'd like to go to space! Do you agree? 

One place I would not like to go is underwater. Here are three reasons why:

1. No oxygen.
2. Gravity is weirder.
3. There are lots of big unexplored parts of it we don't know everything about.

Those are three reasons why underwater is way worse than space. What do you think? See you tomorrow! I would like to go to space!