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December 17, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Lindsay Lohan sent Charlie Sheen flowers to thank him for giving her her $100,000 for her debts. Like all gifts Charlie Sheen receives, he tried snorting them, having sex with them, then finally complained about "Two and a Half Men" to them.

Actor Gerard Depardieu says he will surrender his French passport following critical remarks made by France's president. Though he wouldn't go so far as to call the remarks Bogus.

Reality TV star Kat Von D was proposed to by boyfriend and dubstep musician Deadmau5. Close friends say the relationship started off very quickly but then got really heavy out of nowhere.

The piano from "Casablanca" was auctioned off for over $600,000. Said the new owner, "This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship in which I use you as a coaster."

ABC is reportedly developing a Justin Bieber sitcom. The show will be geared toward girls ages 12 to 17 and New Mexico prisoners serving 14 to life.

Lady Gaga performed at a recent Rolling Stones show. Keith Richards appeared to flirt with her on stage, at one point he even wrinkled at her.

John Kerrey has been chosen to be the next secretary of state. Said Obama, "I thought it'd be good to have a senator who failed to become president who didn't yet resent me for a change."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's testimony on the attack on the embassy in Benghazi will be postponed because she recently experienced a concussion. No word yet on what anti-Islamic online video they are initially blaming the concussion on.

In light of the shooting in Connecticut, President Obama has called for "meaningful action" on gun control. Meaning he won't fully act on gun control.

Meanwhile, Sen. Dianne Feinstein says she plans to introduce gun control legislation on the first day of the new Congress. Keep in mind, a Jewish female Democrat wanting to limit access to guns is literally how Republicans envision the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Obama spoke at a vigil in Connecticut for victims of the shooting. Said Obama, "These senseless, seemingly random killings of innocent people with high tech weaponry must stop. But enough about drone strikes."

Researchers say they've discovered evidence of cheesemaking occurring over 7,000 years ago. Not surprisingly, Kathie Lee has gotten much better at it.