In the annals of stupid ass maneuvers made by men, one that ranks near the top is the office romance. Before partaking in such an idiotic exercise, it is advisable to ask yourself a few questions and ponder just how enjoyable life is going to be when you are left with nothing but the consequences of your stupidity....
So she’s hotter than shit and you must have her huh? But have you really considered what things will be like after it ends? Do you have an ex-wife or girlfriend from a relationship that ended badly? Why don’t you stop and think about what it would be like to see her everyday...
As a matter of fact, why don’t you think about what it would be like to see her more than you see anybody else since you’re trapped at an unholy shithole filled with shitty goddamned shitheads for more hours per week than you get to spend with your friends, family or doing anything that even comes close to resembling anything you would actually choose to do. We can even take it a step further and imagine what it would be like to be trapped in a claustrophobic space in which you are thrust into a forced awkward social situation where you must work together amicably.
But all this is obvious and you’ve probably considered these facts. But you might also be thinking that in your case things will be different and it won’t end badly. Yeah, let me tell you the things you are probably not considering because I have been there before.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not literally comparing myself to Jesus Christ, but perhaps I suffered so others would not have to.
Go ahead and think that you’re super cool and that you are so much better than any man she’s ever had and that you have a foolproof plan in place and this situation is different and you’re not gonna end up like every other sorry bastard who’s crashed and burned before you. I got news for you; unless you look like Denzel and have the mental capacity of Stephen Hawking, you’re not that cool and your plan isn’t good enough. This is real life, not a fucking TV show. You’re not gonna end up like Jim and Pam and live happily ever after.
However, I understand that shit does happen. So let’s say you are the last two left after an outside of the office party and you start throwing drinks down which leads to a drunken romp at your local no-tell motel. If you follow this occurrence with a well composed explanation and apology there is a chance that the drama could be nipped in the bud and this could be chalked up to one night of stupidity. However, the longer things drag out, or if you keep a relationship of any kind other than the co-worker kind, the more you are feeding the drama monster, the more you are increasing the shit storm that will rain upon you later. The moral of the story being; the shorter the duration of your torrid love affair, the better.
After all, if you were forced to play Russian roulette, would you rather pull the trigger once or five times? And if this drunken hook up does occur, you must end it regardless. As stated above, don’t fall into a trap of thinking things are going to be different if she seems to be cool after this. Accidentally kicking a hornets’ nest and not being stung should be considered a lucky occurrence, it doesn’t mean that you stand there and kick it over and over again.
Time for a reality check; it will end, she will change and you will be left analyzing her every move. Suddenly she is gonna be more bubbly, more cheerful and she’ll start dressing as if she’s getting ready to strut down the catwalk. She’ll run around the office being everyone’s best friend suddenly showing off pics of her family and telling grand stories about the amazing weekend she just had while ensuring you are within earshot. But give her credit, it’s a simple yet ingenious plan; she is trying to get everyone to like her more than you so that when there’s a bad office falling out between you two, she will have everyone on her side. Of course you may be considering counteracting this measure by launching an offensive and talking shit about her or confessing the affair and telling everyone how you were wronged by an evil succubus.
This is not advisable. Men cannot compete with women in this arena. No man could ever conjure the gobbledygook nonsense that women spill so freely, as if Dulcolax had an opposite effect and made shit run out of their mouth. And if you do go down this path, anything you say will be one-upped to the 10th degree and it will not stop until she’s got everyone in the office believing that you are a cross-dressing hermaphrodite that uses peanut butter to masturbate to pictures of farm animals.
And confessing the affair and playing the victim card may be an even more horrible idea. Because as with the example regarding shit-talking, you will be one-upped and everything will be spun around until she is the victim and everyone is flabbergasted at all the fucked up shit you put her through. This will only make her mission successful in getting everyone on her side, plus now you are a terrible person, particularly amongst the females who are now comforting the poor lady you “victimized”. And if there’s one thing any man working in an office should know it’s this; you don’t want to be on the bad side of the females, because they will never, ever forget. And they will channel their animosity to form an alliance to which the mission statement is:
“bringing upon a systematic conspiracy of head games and diabolical plots designed with the utmost evil intelligence aimed at your complete and utter demise.”
Not to mention shit-talking and/or admitting to affairs could potentially be quite damaging to your career or even perhaps sexual harassment lawsuits. Then again it may be time to consider a new career in the fast food industry since you’re fucked either way.
With the knowledge of the alliance, this also means that every time she gets together with the other females in the office, you are gonna be wondering if their topic of conversation is you. Particularly depending upon how much you decided to open up to this woman. And what if you even went so far in a ploy to show her you are a sensitive dude by telling her personal shit that can now be used as ammunition against you? Yes, this may have scored you points at the time and guaranteed entry into her vagina that night, but now that ploy has backfired into her having something to share at the female’s daily “man-bash festival.” Hence, every giggle, chuckle and jeer that comes from the females will be greeted by you with a paranoid suspicion. Very emasculating indeed.
She will certainly wear the earrings you gave her, she will style her hair at least twice a week in that one way that she knows drives you crazy, she will wear the tightest pants she can squeeze her ass into. She will wear a low cut number and then bend down in slow-mo to pick up the pen she just “dropped.” Why? Because to her this systematic method of torture is much more fulfilling than simply getting in your face and saying, “ha-ha motherfucker you will never tap this ass again!!” If she were a serial killer, she would not have a gun and shoot her victims in the head. No, she would have a monogrammed satchel containing all the neatest torture devices and would fuck with her victims in a way that would make Jigsaw himself say, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
And this analyzation of her every move, every word and every outfit will never stop. And the truth is...there is a chance that maybe she had to dress nice because of an event she’s going to after work and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. But, you will never stop wondering. Like someone whispering in your ear all day long, “don’t think about elephants.” And the mere fact that you’re analyzing whether or not she’s fucking with you is fucking with you, so basically any and every single thing she ever does is gonna fuck with you. Yeah, you may as well check your sanity at the door.
According to the UN Statistics Division there are 3,386,509,865 women currently inhabiting this planet. That means there are 3,386,509,864 besides this one who is giving you a chubby under your desk. So before you decide you must have this one ask yourself, ever known a scorn female? Now just imagine what your life is gonna be like when you are forced to be around her 40 hours per week and she’s armed with the knowledge that she’s got you by the short and curlies and there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it.
But, if you are stupid and don’t heed my words, or if you are such a narcissist that you think your coolness can pull this off then enjoy the fist bumps you receive from your buddies when you tell them you hit that. Because ain't nobody gonna be patting you on the back when you’re drowning in a sea of drama that you brought upon yourself.
This is indeed a very dangerous game, much like tiptoeing a tightrope that straddles the crocodile pit while being peppered with spitballs.. And once you enter, it’s too late. Try as hard as you want, the toothpaste ain’t going back in the tube.