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February 18, 2015
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Mars One recently announced the top 100 candidates for their “Die on Mars” program. We painstakingly ranked all 100 by hotness, so you don’t have to.

Mars One recently announced the top 100 candidates for their “Die on Mars” program.

We painstakingly ranked all 100 by hotness, so you don’t have to. ENJOY!


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100. Based on the pic, we’d say hot. But this dude’s profile says he’s on tour with his musical comedy duo. And that is maybe the least sexy thing a human being could do on any planet.

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99. She’s a child! How dare you think she’s hot you creep!? (If you do, don’t tell anyone.)

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98. Ugh, fix that gross aspect ratio and we’ll talk.

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97. There’s absolutely nothing sexy about having a conjoined twin attached to your shoulder. Kill that freak and you’ll earn some serious style points!

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96. OH GOD HER HAND IS ALL BLOODY JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAPPENED!?!? STOP SMILING ZASKIA!!!! GO TO A DOCTOR ASAP!!!!!

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95. I think you are a dog?

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94. Not hot because what is this?????????????

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93. I’m allergic to bees. All beekeepers are ugly.

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92. Eh. Her arms are too sharp.

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91. Looks like she’d be pretty hot if she didn’t have that bulbous metal shit stuck to her face. HARD PASS.

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90. FAT.

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89. This guy wants to live on Mars??? Uh, okay. *cough*DORK*cough*

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88. Too sandy.

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87. Too snowy.

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86. Too sandy.

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85. Too snowy.

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84. Too sandy.

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83. Too sandy.

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82. Too sandy.

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81. Too snowy.

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80. Too sandy.

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79. The size of a jet plane? Lose some weight/height!!!!!!

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78. Too sandy.

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77. Again, too sandy.

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77. TOO SANDY. SAND ISN’T SEXY PEOPLE, GET THE MEMO! IT GETS IN EVERY ORIFICE! IT IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

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78. UGGGGGGHHHHH FOR THE LAST TIME TOO SANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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77. Too blue.

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76. Too grey.

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75. Too much.

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74. Not enough.

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73. Big teeth.

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72. Why is he pointing to that photo of Hurricane Katrina? Offensive. BYE LENNART.

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71. I don’t know about this list.

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70. Brad is beautiful on the outside but do not be fooled.

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69. 69 lol

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68. Her arms are permanently stuck like that, and frankly, it’s distracting.

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66. Dan.

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65. Call me old fashioned, but I find letterboxing super unflattering.

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64. He’s from Nigeria. BOOOORING.

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63. Too…

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62. PDP is a real favorite, but he broke my heart once and I don’t want to talk about it.

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61. He’s got a real Carl look about him.

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60. Guitar is too small.

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59. Ya know what’s sagging, Mister Sagmeister? My dedication to writing this list.

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58. brb

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57. nvr mind im back. what r we doing again?

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56. The red horns coming out of her head were a HUGE hit at fashion week, but we never saw the appeal. We give this outfit 4/10 buttons.

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55. Too good-looking. Total turn off.

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54. A whole country? No thank you.

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53. Is this a photo of JK Simmons?

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52. Is anyone still reading this??? Are we still writing this?????????

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51. We’d like to take a moment to apologize for this list. Just…we’re sorry.

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50. But on the other hand, you can’t apologize for living your life…

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49. Oh, that feeling passed quickly. Not sorry anymore. #noregrets #YOLO

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48. Too many frames.

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47. Too many frames.

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46. Too many frames.

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45. I dunno, I kinda like those frames now.

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44. “Please take a photo of me in this dark bathroom. Make sure my mouth’s open.” -Daniel, age 28

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43. You used Valencia and I think you would have benefited from Mayfair, tbh.

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42. Marko make me wanna bark-o. WOOF WOOF.

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41. Marina Abramovic called. She wants her whole deal back.

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40. Died 30 years ago.

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39. We forget why.

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38. Anyone who lives in any federation can get it.

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37. Name’s too long.

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36. Clare might seem like she should be ranked higher, but you haven’t heard about all those puppies she drowned.

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35. I’m always DTF a teenage witch.

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34. That undershirt is on fleek!!!

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33. Mr. Schild’s power stance says, “I know how to please a woman.”

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32. Two microphones? This dude is UP FOR ANYTHING.

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31. I am so close to being done with this list. Just a few more. I can do this.

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30. Mido is husband material. That doesn’t mean he speaks to my primal urges.

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29. I don’t know, I kinda like her shirt.

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28. The backlight thing really works to disguise her appearance. It plays to my “would fuck most things” instinct.

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27. KaraTAKE ME OUT! (That’s a karate joke in case you missed it.)

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26. “I used her, she used me, but neither one cared. We were gettin’ our share. Working on our night moves.” -Bob Seger, Night Moves

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25. Missing the top of his forehead? Still pretty hot tho.

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24. I’d like to Nikolic HER Ljubinka, amiright?

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23. Nothing sexier than 104 points!!!!

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22. I guess I would.

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21. Dapeng knows how to put together a slick Powerpoint presentation. Obvious turn on.

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20. We’re placing this 20 year old at number 20 cuz numbers.

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19. Where are you, Taranjeet? Are you by a rocket? Are you in a parking lot? Wherever you are, you’ll always be in my heart.

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18. Whoooooo this Irish stud is about to get LUCKY!

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17. Pretty sure I was catfished by this same photo.

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16. Small dick. We LOVE it!

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15. Look at that sly smile. It’s like he knows how hot he is. Nothing sexier than confidence, Kobus, and you’ve GOT IT!

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14. Reminds me of one of my Russian mail order brides. I miss them.

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13. Nothing says sex appeal like shades and plaid.

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12. Boba Fett? More like Boba FETCH!

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11. Looks like Mike is already on Mars, so not sure why he’s signing up for this trip. But from what we understand, Mars is pretty hot, so that makes Mike pretty hot.

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10. This half human/half cyborg is drop dead gorge. He’s C://bangable.exe!!!!

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9. Ryan has a sexy British accent! 8======D~~~

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8. He’s got a good head of hair, and that’s what really matters on a scientific mission to Mars.

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7. I think she is who I go to for massages?

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6. Goddammit I wanna sit on that face.

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5. We salute you, Pete, cuz you used your real email address as your profile name. And you know what’s hot? We don’t know anymore.

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4. Abstract, modern look. Clean lines and perfectly symmetrical. Carmen, you are a HOTTIE!

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3. real old, v fuckable

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2. BARELY LEGAL! Daddy like.

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1. *siren* BONER ALERT *siren*

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