People Magazine released their pick for world’s most beautiful woman this week and Sandra Bullock won! Congrats Sand! People is quick to point out that Bullock accepted the honor with grace, humility, and a few sentences about how her kids are important to her.
I personally see nothing problematic about a magazine having a list ranking which women are most beautiful and then falling all over themselves to mention that the chosen women don’t see beauty as important and then list all the other things the chosen women value higher than beauty.
What I’m most interested in is how they score the women! What can I say? I’m a numbers guy. I got my hands on the rubric People Magazine uses to score and eventually rank how beautiful a woman actually is.
People Magazine Beauty Scorecard
All scores from 1–10, 1 being bad and 10 being good
*Note to People beauty rankers: We have a lot of beautiful women this year, team, let’s make sure we really examine the women closely then score and rank the women so we can tell which women are more beautiful than other women.
*Humble and effortless beauty is what we are looking for.
1–10: Tits (size)
*This is pure measurement. No eyeballing, people, let’s really get in there and measure!
1–10: Tits (shape)
*Round, tit-shaped tits are better. Different shapes are not as better.
1–10: Tits (ass)
*Remember: “Big is in, but smalls get calls (from casting agents AND future husbands)”
*Do they have them? (Yes = 1 point)
*Do they love them? (Yes = 1 point)
*Can we easily wedge them into the paragraph that sits in the corner of the full page photograph of the woman’s tit cleavage? (No = Disqualification)
1–10: Special skills
*This refers exclusively to wanting, loving, or just wishing to spend more time with her family. Not interested in literally anything else she does in spare time.
1–10: Being in spotlight preference
*Does she actually prefer not to be in the spotlight? (Yes = 10 points) (No = 10 points)
*Talking about legs has gone out of style since, um, Mötley Crüe maybe? But we wanna be on the cutting edge of bringing it back. Please consider length, shininess, and how far “here” is if she has “legs up to here.”
*Can she be considered one of these? (Yes = 10 points) (No = Disqualification, must be a man)