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August 09, 2016
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"Throughout my 30-plus years in Mario games, you may have noticed a series of red, circular marks on my head. That's because I do cupping."

Yahoo! Greetings from the Mushroom Kingdom! It’s-a-me, Toad! And I do cupping.

Throughout my 30-plus years of appearances in Mario games, you may have noticed a series of red, circular marks on my head. Many of you probably assumed those marks were just “the way mushroom guys’ heads are,” but in my case they are actually giant welts left behind from my daily cupping regimen.

Cupping has quickly become a hot topic of discussion in the mainstream (or as I call it, lamestream) media, thanks to many Olympians in Rio showing up to events sporting freshly-cupped red marks on their bodies. However, few in the Big Pharma-funded echo chamber we call “journalism” have bothered to disclose the powerful restorative benefits of this ancient Chinese therapy, which consists of taking round glass suction cups that are warmed and placing them on sore parts of the body (in my case, the upper mushroom cap area).

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I do this to myself every day. - T

The placement of the glass cup creates a partial vacuum, which helps stimulate muscles, improve blood flow, and yes, remove toxins. Gwyneth Paltrow swears by it.

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The second half of that statement should read “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to cup in here.“ - T

Why do I cup? Well, first off, I’m an athlete. I take my kart racing career seriously, and I believe cupping gives me an edge on the more difficult courses like Rainbow Road and Wario’s Gold Mine. Plus, to be honest, it gives me tons more stamina in the sack. I’m talkin’, like, going-for-hours-until-my-dick-is-sore stamina. It’s crazy.

Cupping and sex sort of go hand-in-hand for me at this point. It’s difficult to imagine pleasuring a woman or man (yes I am bi, deal with it) without cupping first. In fact – and this is so bad I’m telling you this – sometimes, when I’m all alone in the castle (which is often because the Princess is almost always in another castle… it’s like, have fewer castles!) I light some candles, get totally nude and put the cup over my whole dick and balls. I heat it up, stuff the whole mess in there, and just wait for that shit to swell. I’m so bad… Wha-ha! Yippee!

So next time you play as Toad in Mario Kart Wii or the O.G. Super Mario Bros. 2, think about the sweet, sexual pain that goes into each one of those big red welts on my head.

BIG UPS 2 THA CUPS. PAYCE.

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