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December 05, 2008


The news has been full of the exploits of sports stars lately. PLAXICO BURRESS shoots himself in the thigh while at a New York club and hockey player, SEAN AVERY, shoots off his mouth in Calgary. This really proves that guns and athletes dont mix, both literally and figuratively!

Id like to look at these incidents on a case-by-case basis. Today well consider the pile of poop Plaxico Burress finds himself under. (BTW –Where do you come up with a name like, Plaxico)

Mr. Burress is a star receiver with the New York Giants football team. You might remember that he made a catch for the winning touchdown in last years Super Bowl Game. Just this season he signed a five year $35 million dollar contract. Yes, you read that right: 35 BIG ONES!

Jerry Reese, giants GM , said that, Dr. Rodeo believed PLAXICO BURRESS would be out at least six weeks with a gunshot wound.(Apparently the Giants employ a horse doctor.) Burress is now suspended by the team and likely will not play again this season.

After a game PLAXICO once said, We all knew we pretty much shot ourselves in the foot in that second quarter. Everyone knew we had to cut out the mistakes!

Well, Mr. Burr-in–your-ass, you aimed your pistol a little high on that point and, yes, it was a huge mistake.

What the hell was Mr. Burnt-ass doing carrying a loaded firearm in his pants pocket.

1.   Thats a dangerous place to carry a loaded handgun, especially when youre going out dancing. You should have known with all that jiving, you might have shot yourself in the unmentionables, thereby reducing yourself to the Clubbing Reserve List - for a lifetime.

2.   Were you trying to be a gangster –gang banger that night? Give your head a shake, there aint no gang bangers carrying 35 million in their back pocket! With that money you could pay for your own protection and hire some bad-ass dude to carry your heat.

3.   And, WTF are you doing in a New York club dancing when youre claiming you cant play against the Redskins on Sunday because of you BUM LEG? I can give you 35 million reasons why that was a bad decision.   

4.   You nearly shot off your Pee-Pee, dude!   

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I guess we can get a clue to PLAXICOS mindset when we analyze the following quote. This is what he said when he moved over from Pittsburg to New York.


I dont think I was liked as a person. I was kind of seen as a black kid, young African American, cornrows, drives fancy cars, wears diamond earrings, things like that. They kind of based that perception off of what I drove and what I did and things like that. All of things were never a part of any other player on the team but me.


Whoa! Shine the light on you!


I can imagine the scene when you walked into that club. You arrived in a pimped out ride, a girl on each arm, bejeweled and bejangled, and packing a rod beside your pencil, feeling like you owned the night.


Mr. Burress is that a gun in your pocket or, is you just happy to see me?


Yes, you were getting a grove on until you started to get down and that 40 caliber Glock semi-automatic exploded in your pants.


KERBANG! You shot yourself in the very same leg that you claimed to be injured. Hamstring and sham-string its it says here you are a wing-ding. You didnt get your rocks off, you nearly SHOT your rocks off, dumbass!


Now you are going to miss the entire season, face a prison sentence and, as the Daily News reports, Burress could lose $27 million of its value (contract) if hes not invited back to the team.Damn, youll have to live the rest of your days on measly $8 million.


And guess what, apparently Mr. Plexiglas head has a tattoo across his shoulders that reads, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!


 Well I guess so! Stupidity is the reason for a lot of recent athletic behavior.


He should add a second line to that tattoo.




Burress later explained (I guess this is HIS reasoning!) I am my own worst enemy. The things that have happened to me, I have no one to blame but myself. Thats what makes PLAXICO BURRESS PLAXICO BURRESS!


How true! Plaxico is the cause of his misfortune –PERIOD- too much coin, too much time on your hands and not much between the ears.

Maybe we can develop a list we can send the NFL commish. You know help him find ways to solve these incidents that seem to be exploding like mushrooms in a pile of dung.


Heres a few to get us started.



The only gun that should be mentioned in the same breath as NFL Football is Shotgun – the formation not the firearm. Place a piecein the hands of a testosterone laden, possibly juiced dude, whose Sunday job is to rip peoples heads off, and its like handing a sharp knife to a three year old. Go play with your toy, but be careful you MIGHT get hurt!Thats about a 10 on the Duh Meter, dont you think.



Giving millions of dollars to athletes IS like giving candy to a baby. It creates a money can buy me anything mentality. $35 million dollars is like handing out a license to be stupid. When you got your college degree in Advanced Basket Weaving you might not have the smarts to manage this mother lode of cash. Why not defer these huge payments to their retirement years and pay these dudes just enough to be comfortable. like say - $60 000 a year while theyre playing. I havent seen too many bad ass dudes driving KIAs, wearing costume jewelry, and renting movies for their weekend entertainment.  We need them to become Joe football player, and hang out with dudes like Joe six pack. Hey, then they can take their shotgun deer huntinwith the good ole boys! I want you to squeal like a pig, sonny boy!



Lets give drug tests a new focus. Like a CSI episode, we can have players at training camp receive hand scans for gun powder residue. Lets put metal detectors in the dressing rooms or at the very least have the NFL institute a Handgun Safety Program for these idiots. We cant keep having our head-bangers becoming gang-bangers. Imagine the scene on the field, in the middle of a NFL game, when some tattooed warrior draws his piece and yells, You die mother-fucker!and then he pops someone


The infraction is for excessive use of a firearm, on number 49 New York. 50 yard penalty! First down!


 The next thing you know the players will need body armor under all of that other protection.


 WTF! It just gives me the yips! Plaxico Burress is the tip of a huge ice berg. And what the hell is a Plaxico anyways? Well, I guess its the Latin name for PEACEFUL! 


Go figure!


For a little added humor, follow this link to a Samuel Bell Jr. report from the Bleacher Report.