Last January, I correctly predicted Jared Fogle’s shocking arrest. This year, I’m going for broke and making even more prediction. Here are the top 10 news stories I expect to see between now and New Year’s Eve 2016.
#1) To make a confusing artistic statement, Shia LaBeouf will legally change his name to Yoko Real.
Without explanation, he’ll say, “I live Yoko Real. I am Yoko Real.”
#2) Taylor Swift will have an awkward encounter with Viola Davis.
This might involve a condescending remark. It might involve a violation of Viola’s personal space.
#3) Justin Bieber will ride a hoverboard on a yacht and it won’t end well.
Pro tip: Don’t get your hover board wet, yo.
#4) Benedict Cumberbatch will win a staring contest with an owl.
And thus, Benedict will become King of the Owls.
#5) I don’t know, maybe there will be a new American Pie movie?
Maybe a spinoff about a bunch of teens who lose their virginities in Narnia or something.
#6) That kid from Two and a Half Men will break into the podcast game.
It’ll be a podcast about reviewing other podcasts. He’ll call it “Pod Heads.”
#7) Ray Romano will get caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
Oh, yes, he will.
#8) The Giving Tree will be adapted into a Netflix original series.
The series will feature a cameo by Tilda Swinton as the grown-up boy.
#9) Ashley Simpson will mount a lukewarm comeback.
It will start and end with a spectacular whimper.
#10) Flo from those Progressive commercials and the guy from those “Can You Hear Me Now?” Verizon commercials will be embroiled in a heinous sex scandal.
You’ll never be able to look at your phone or car insurance the same.