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August 24, 2016

Who's to say why these morons are saying what they're saying about Hillary's health problems?

A popular theory is currently circulating among a group of complete fucking psychopaths that Hillary Clinton is suffering from some form of illness. The varying theories, promoted by people who might as well have been lobotomized, were recently rounded up in an article on a legitimate news website and include: aphasia, autism, brain cancer, heart disease, multiple sclerosis, obesity, diabetes, hypertension, Parkinson’s, post-concussion syndrome, radiation poisoning, seizures, stroke, tongue cancer, and UTIs.

The only way to truly wrap one’s mind about the complete and utter stupidity of these fucking freak ass whacks is to suggest that, perhaps, that the general public is ill informed on how women’s bodies work. Who is to know, without undergoing a comically small amount of research, whether a fall can knock something loose in a woman’s vast, unknowable parts. A similarly under informed and over eager asshole might postulate that this will cause a hormonal chain reaction resulting in complete mental incapacitation. According to these yokels, Hillary now thinks with her ovaries and her uterus. A conflicting theory posits said ovaries and uterus poofed into dust the moment she turned 50.

Which brings up another important point: menopause. What is it, exactly? A questions local fuckheads are surely eager to scream into the echo chamber of the news cycle, hoping to God no one asks them for more information.

In addition, this raging mob of lunatics actually believes that Hillary Clinton carries around a defibrillator everywhere and hides it underneath her a line blazers. This makes sense, because the only other plausible reason she’d wear clothing so boxy is because people are constantly commenting on her appearance. And that’s something her opponents REFUSE to do, because commenting on her appearance is clearly sexist. However, implying that she’s incapacitated because she’s aged out of her procreative usefulness is another matter.

In fact, it may be unsurprising if sometime in the new future these mental cases imply that in addition to all the disease above, the amount of wrinkles on Clinton’s face actually indicate she’s a flesh covered robot barely puttering through the fading days of her campaign. Never mind that Trump’s jowls quiver in the slightest puff of wind and a baseball hat is near-perpetually sealed to his head covered in fine wisps of hair, he’s a man, and it’s natural for men’s skin to sag and their hair to turn to orange straw. The only way a woman’s skin could be saggy or wrinkly is if she’s suffering from a fatal disease that’s killing all the young flesh on her face.

According to the world’s dumbest meatsacks masquerading as human beings, the only possible explanation for her increasingly irrational behavior is some unknown complicated biological breakdown slowly rotting her body from the inside out. Because, as previously mentioned, there is absolutely zero way to understand how a woman’s body works so the only possibly assumption you could make (if you sucked) is there’s something sinister there. Something deep, unknowable, and estrogen-y. Yuck.