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July 20, 2011

Todd Robert Johnson isn't just a party machine; he's a process.

People always ask me, "Bro. How man? Just how?" And I laugh and tell them, "I was just born this cool."

But the truth is, being Todd Johnson is a lot of work.

Sure, I like being "T-O-D" or "Big Tizzie" or "T-Zone," but that doesn't mean it comes naturally. No, for real. Todd Robert Johnson isn't just a party machine; he's a process.

It starts every morning with 200 crunches and 100 push-ups. Is that too much? The first rule of cool is, there is no 'too much.' There's never too much booze at a party, is there? And there's never too much Todd Johnson, right?

When my muscles are pumpin, then it's time for the cleanse. Remember this, because it might be the best advice you ever get for free: two kinds of soap. I clean with a bar and then with a body wash. Then comes the hair. I use a light Pert; the normal stuff dries out my hair too much.

When I'm good and tidy, it's time to hit the gym. There are two rules for the gym, as far as I'm concerned: (1) don't make eye contact with anyone; (2) squats. I like to spend a solid two hours before I call it quits. Then it's time to shower.

When you're getting fresh in a locker room, there's one word that I think you should have in mind. Respect. Everyone in the room just worked really hard, so you should respect their efforts, and more importantly, respect their mirror space. There's nothing more annoying than manscaping with a bro in your personal bubble.

Now I know what you're thinking. When am I going to tan? Relax, we'll get there.

But first, it's time to go to work. I may only be a manager at this Staples, but I dress for the job I want. So I wear a suit.

The most important thing about wearing a suit is matching. Blue shirt and red striped tie? My face can handle something that busy because I've got a good complexion. But some of you don't, so make sure your suit comes together. If your suit doesn't come together, that's disharmony, and disharmony sure isn't how I got to be a manager.

So now you've got to be thinking, "Todd Robert Johnson. Amazing shit, buddy. Seriously. But for real, bro, when do you go tanning?" I've got two words for you. Lunch break.

A lunch break is just enough time to get in a quick couple of rays. I typically only drink a protein shake for lunch, and you should too. Touch up the tan, power up, and I'm back to managing my staff.

After work comes the real party. No one does night life like Todd Robert Johnson. I could spend a whole 500 words talking about how I work the night, but I'll shave it down to a few key bulletpoints:

--Hair up. Spike it. Use something with a lot of hold. I like Moose Snot brand wax.
--Dance with your hands, not with your feet.
--If your shirt isn't off by 8PM, you aren't getting laid.
--Always compliment a girl's hair first.
--Never flirt with the bartender.
--Don't talk to other guys.

There's more to being me, for sure. But I think this will help you get started. So go out there. Be fierce. Be bold. Be Todd Robert Johnson.

P.S. Susan, I know you're reading this, the kid isn't mine, I won't pay child support, fuck off.