Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 22, 2010

A middle-aged man wearing a rumpled suit sits at a table in a restaurant. He is eating enchiladas and clearly enjoys them).
Man: Let me tell you something. These are some great enchiladas. I mean the whole menu is superb. But the enchiladas, in particular…(He takes another bite and gestures his satisfaction in lieu of finishing his sentence.) So next time you come here make sure to order the enchiladas. Dos. (He signals two with his hands.) It might be the best Mexican restaurant in California. I mean that. Well, at least as far as white neighborhoods go. (Pause.) But seriously it’s an authentic place. For one thing the whole menu’s in Spanish. Yep, Espanol. And also, look at the art. (He points off stage.) I believe that’s a painting of Our Lady of Guadalupe.
(He continues to eat.)
I come here at least three times a week. I used to just come once, but then my wife left me. (He eats.) I’m not really much of a cook. (He laughs.) So I try to mix up my meals between here, the Chinese place, Sal’s Pizza, and uh, Denny’s. But to be honest I’d eat here for every meal if it weren’t for the indigestion.
(He eats.)
She wrote me one of them “Dear John” letters, you know. Except it didn’t say “John,” cause my name’s not John. It’s Greg. It wouldn’t have made sense to write “John.” (He laughs a forced laugh.) She also didn’t say “Dear.” So she just wrote “Greg” and then put a comma of course. I don’t know what that’s about. I mean I realize that we had been fighting a lot there down the stretch, but it still seems pretty discourteous. Certain occasions require a “Dear” just as a matter of proper etiquette.
(He eats.) Muy bueno! So technically speaking she left me, but it kinda feels like the other way around sometimes. Mainly because she got to keep the house. Didn’t think that was fair. It’s like the NBA, free agency. I mean let’s say you have a player on Cleveland and he decides wants to go join the Miami Heat instead. So he changes teams. It’s not like the city of Cleveland has to move itself. Cleveland was fine with how things were. Happy. No it’s the malcontented player who has to move to Miami. It’s not like he gets to move the Miami to Ohio. He’s the one who wants change, so he’s the one who goes. So you know from that perspective, I don’t really think it’s fair that Dave gets to move into my house.
(He eats angrily.)
You know the house that I bought. With my money. That’s where Dave gets to live with my wife, while I have to sleep in the motel. Doesn’t really seem fair.
(He eats.)
I mean who cares? I’ll get another house, right? I just gotta find a new job, first.
(He sticks his fork angrily into his dish. Beans and salsa spray everywhere.) You know when it rains it pours, huh? I’m not that upset though, really. Honest. My heart was never really in telemarketing. (Holds up hand like a phone.) Ring, ring. (Does both voices.) Hello? Hi, sir. Have you tried dieting? Pretty frustrating, right? And who has time to go to the gym? Who is this? My name’s Greg. And I’ve got one heck of a deal for you today. For a down payment of 29.95 I can set up with Thincorp’s patented weight loss solution . Fuck you! (He hangs up fake phone.) The conversation’s always ended the same way.
(He takes a sip of water.) No, I’m really quite happy to be moving on. It’s just. (Sighs.) Since I’ve been laid off I don’t have any health insurance. And of course this has gotta be the week that I develop an inflamed cyst on my buttocks. (Winces.) I mean it only hurts when I’m sitting or standing. (Winces again.) Or lying down. (He stabs himself in the hand with his fork.) Oh, it helps distract me from the pain in my ass.
(He starts sobbing uncontrollably.)
But at least I have these enchiladas. Man, are they good.