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March 25, 2016
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Chris Martin, the heartthrob front man of the vapid, lifeless band Coldplay has confessed in a recent interview to fighting a homeless man outside of a pub shortly after his split with former wife Gwyneth Paltrow.

Chris Martin, the heartthrob front man of the vapid, lifeless band Coldplay has confessed in a recent interview to fighting a homeless man outside of a pub shortly after his split with former wife Gwyneth Paltrow.

Martin, who sustained scratches and bruises during the scuffle, blamed depression and rage caused by the well-publicized break-up between himself and his long time spouse. He admits that he alone initiated the fight and claimed that he thought ‘it would make him feel better’ at the time.

“Some people do Yoga or meditate but I find the best way to deal with those sour feelings is to really beat the shit out of an innocent homeless man,” explained the 38 year-old singer. “I suppose that fighting alcoholic hobos isn’t the healthiest way to relieve depression and anger, but that’s just what I found works best for me. Perhaps I developed this coping mechanism as a child, seeing my father blow off steam by driving around town running over Gypsys in his Volkswagen.”

Martin has since apologized to the man whom he fought and has vowed to explore other methods of controlling his emotions but has warned that it may be some time before violence doesn’t play a part whether musically or otherwise. Martin has for years, famously been taking out his rage on his fans whom he beats about the head and neck with his own special brand of trite, tiresome “music”. In a recent poll, many asked would much prefer a physical beating from Chris Martin every so often rather than be forced to endure countless Coldplay micro-aggressions everyday for the rest of their lives.

There has been no word from Gwyneth Paltrow in regard to her ex husband’s recent behavior but those close to the ex couple say that they are not surprised. With plans for another Coldplay tour in the works, many experts claim it could be years before Chris Martin finally stops the violence for good.

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