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July 12, 2017
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Just know this: We did not have a huge budget, so we had to settle for the angriest and least coveted gorilla from the Cleveland Zoo.

Recently, there has been a lot of bad press surrounding gorillas. First Harambe and now Planet of the Apes – a film depicting these serene animals as savage and mean-spirited.

But those aren’t the gorillas we know.

So, in an attempt to show how great gorillas really are, we hatched an idea: Why not give a gorilla a .45 caliber pistol and lock him in a room with three unarmed civilians?

We went through with it – even filmed it, because, in our heads, we saw the gorilla throwing away the .45 caliber and shaking hands with the civilians.

Well, it didn’t exactly go down like that, and the results were so gruesome we had to destroy the tape, and no, we will not tell you what happened.

Just know this: We did not have a huge budget, so we had to settle for the angriest and least coveted gorilla from the Cleveland Zoo.

He was very angry when he arrived.

To make matters worse, we gave him an unloaded pistol before tranq’ing him and throwing him in the room. The idea behind that was to give him a short tutorial so he would maybe further understand the dangers of what he was dealing with.

Unfortunately, right before our experiment was about to begin, he looked us dead in the eye and pulled the trigger, though, of course, it was unloaded.

In hindsight, this was a very bad signal, but we have no legal obligation to tell you what happened next, plus, we had already paid $2,500 to rent the gorilla for an hour.

What were we going to do, teach him sign language?

Lastly, we offer a vague apology to the families of the three civilians, but remind them that their loved ones did sign a release form with some very important fine print.

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