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I can’t wait until TWILIGHT 17 comes out 20 years from now … and 46 year-old Taylor Lautner rips off his shirt and has a gut.  46 year-olds don’t give a shit.

I’m here to save you Bella … let me just take off my stretch pants before I transform … cause these are the only clean ones I have left.

It’s darkest before the fall. Fall TV that is. This season is very disappointing. TOUCHED? Just spin off FRINGE if you really don’t give a shit FOX.  Or maybe just make the main character in TOUCHED Jack Bauer.  His boring son is kidnapped and bloody awesomeness ensues.

Bigfoot exists. According to Finding Bigfoot. But, according to every redneck with a gun in the woods … no fucking way.  Rednecks shoot shit.

“Look Jasper! It’s a New Yorker in a coat. Shoot it!”

To understand Terror, you have to first understand Albert Dwyer. He’s my first cousin. I’d like to tell you more, but I can’t. Trust me.  Stay away from Al.

From the mouth of Babes comes vomit. And general regurgitation. And sometimes more vomit. But it’s cute.  Cause they’re hot dumb chicks who generally drink too much.  Not the Oracle of Delphi.

This is what the mouth of a baby looks like.

The extinction of humanity would be horrific for humanity.  For non-humanity, it would be a positive.  Except dogs.  They’d be really bummed.  Then all starve.

This fella would miss mankind.  That blanket would be his death shroud.

If I met my doppelganger, I wouldn’t kill him.  I’d embrace him.  Then kill him.  Cause doppelgangers are evil.  Just look at what happened to Lindsay Lohan.

The one on the left was good … but the one on the right murdered her shortly thereafter … and we all know the rest of the story.

Wolf Blitzer keeps bleeting about the Fiscal Cliff, and middle-class americans are terrified.  You know who’re not spilling their martinis … rich people.  Cause they’re drinking in a Cloud City, run by the Four Seasons.

I live in California but I’ve never been to the Inland Empire.  Cause I’m scared of societies ruled by Emperors.

MIng the Merciless rules the Inland Empire.

Today I made what I thought was a funny comment to my wife — who didn’t laugh.  So I decided to head to the Magic Garden and do some bong hits with Carole and Paula.  And suddenly I was funny again.  Stoned hippie chicks and the Chuckle Patch are a great fucking audience.

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