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May 23, 2011

Rapture? What Rapture?

Hi Harold,

How are you feeling?  A little embarrassed?  Don’t worry, we all get things wrong from time to time, not always on the enormous scale that you do, but we all have our little boo boo’s.
Oh, but the grand scale of your boo boo is memorable! 

I must, however, congratulate you on your marketing skills.  It takes a true marketing genius to get the word out to the entire world the way you did, so give yourself a pat on the back for that! 
Alas, that seems to be where the genius stops and the incredible train ride in to a mountain of rubbery hallucinations begins.

I can understand the want for the world to end.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that almost everyone on Earth has wanted that at some point in time.  However, most people won’t try to convince others that the world is going to end.  But I believe Chris Jericho said it best when he tweeted:

I know people misinterpreted your message.  People thought it was the end of the world, when in fact what you were talking about was the Rapture, and of course the second coming of Jesus.

Now, the Rapture is an interesting concept, Harold.  For the term Rapture has only been used since the late 19th century , and never actually appears in the Bible.  Now, it may just be me, but if you read these bible verses and can find out where it mentions a Rapture like event, then I think you must have a pretty damn good imagination and should probably think about becoming a screenwriter, or, at the very least, a comic book writer.

But, to humour you, let’s say that those passages to refer to a Rapture (which is about as likely as me having a 3-way with Keira Knightley and Christina Ricci), and let’s look at another Bible passage.  Most of those other Bible verses were discussing either the return of Jesus, or Heaven itself, but this one deals directly with the return.

“No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Mathew 13:32

Hmm... so if the Bible says that no one will know the day or hour, not even Jesus himself, then how could you possibly know?  I feel sorry for Jesus though when that day comes.  One second he’ll be having a game of pool with the disciples, trying to impress some of the fly young angels with a trick shot, and the next he’s on Earth having to deal with people sucking up to him, and kissing his ass.

Alas, this isn’t the first time you’ve been wrong with the date of the Rapture.  In fact, in 1994 you also predicted Judgement day.  I’ll admit that the 1994 Rapture scared the living shit out of me, although I was only 12 and impressionable.  That was a simple miscalculation, anyone can make that mistake, so what was this one?

Like a fat kid waiting for an ice cream cake that never arrives, I’ll be waiting for your next doom and gloom prediction.  Even if it takes another 17 years, I’ll be waiting, albeit impatiently and with bated breath.