A study published in the BJU International journal of urology recently states that the average penis is 5.16 inches long and 4.6 inches around when erect. When flaccid, the average shrinks to 3.6 inches long and 3.7 inches around. The study was the first to combine all existing data on penis length and girth and, while admitting that most of the subjects were of European and Middle Eastern descent and could be skewed by the possibility that men with larger penises are more willing to volunteer for such studies, will now be widely considered the definitive look at penis-size data.

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Graph for flaccid, flaccid stretched and erect length of the penis. Illustration: Veale et al. 2014

This is all very good for men around the world who have always wondered, “Do I got a long schlong or a dinky dinger?” But the happiest man in the world right now is the ruler salesman who lives in my building. On most days, I see him leaving his apartment lugging a huge suitcase full of rulers and yelling reassurances over his shoulder to his wife and four children that this is the day he’s gonna get the big sale and come home with a steak dinner for them to enjoy, barely hiding the uncertainty and fear in his voice.

He was noticeably chipper this morning, though, so I sat down with him to see how the news of the average penis size has affected his business and his life.


First off, thanks for sitting down with me. I know you’ve been very busy lately selling rulers to men who want to measure their penis to make sure they are at or above the average penis size.

Oh, no problem. I’m actually out of stock at the moment, waiting for my distributor to send me a new pallet of rulers. I ran out because so many men are curious if they have a long schlong or a dinky dinger, and to find out they need to buy one of my rulers to measure.

How do you explain the surge in ruler demand? Is it all due to the new penis length study that was just released or are there other factors involved?

Well, one thing that people don’t realize is that, these days, 90% of households do not have a ruler. And 96% of households with rulers have lost them behind a desk that is too difficult to move. So, when your average man comes across an article on the internet that mentions how long the average penis is, they have a reason to check to see if they have a ruler in their drawer or kitchen somewhere. So when they realize they don’t have a ruler, they call me.

And they never have a reason other than measuring their penis size to look for a ruler?

Well, haha, you’re painting me into a corner here because my usual sales pitch is that technically you should be using rulers for things like hanging framed pictures on your wall and other home-improvement projects. But in reality people just eyeball that sort of thing and it ends up just fine. Since it’s just you and me I can tell you: The only real use for rulers is measuring how long your wiener is. And children in school need them too, of course. To learn how to measure and draw straight lines and all that. But really, kids and guys measuring their penis, that’s about it …Wait! I mean guys measuring THEIR OWN penises; NOT guys measuring kids’ penises. That’s disgusting and crazy. Ugh, erase that part, it was just accidentally weird phrasing. You know what I meant. STOP WRITING!

So women have no use for rulers?

Some women do measure how long their vagina is, but studies show that they just aren’t as curious and insecure as men are about having a long enough dong. Women do sometimes measure their boyfriend’s dicks, but that’s only after the man has measured it beforehand to make sure he won’t be embarrassed when his gal measures it later. So, 99% of my customers are men.

What kind of rulers do you sell?

Plain wooden. Like the ones you had in middle school. We got your classic 12-inch and your compact 6-incher as well, for men who don’t foster any delusions.

And how about girth? You’d normally need a tape measure for something like that, right?

Tape measures are for pussies. Just make a mark on your penis with a ball point pen where the ruler starts. You might have to really push down to get the pen to mark, but that’s normal and almost kind of feels nice. Then slowly rotate the ruler around the penis, fan-style, till you get to the mark again. That mark will be pointing right to your penis’ girth measurement. Write it down in your journal.

So how has this boom in ruler sales affected your life?

Well, other than being the most popular man in town, I can now provide for my kids and wife and I no longer have to explain to people at parties that, yes, door-to-door salesmen still exist and that, no, it isn’t crazy for a man to quit his decent paying job at Merrill Lynch just because he found a sack of old rulers out by the middle school dumpster while smoking a cigarette and waiting for his kids to get out of school one day. It’s a perfectly viable job now.

Anything else you want to say to men scrambling to find a ruler to measure their erect penis because they are curious and a little scared that they have a short shaft?

Always measure from the base of the TOP of the shaft, out. And whatever the outcome, don’t blame the ruler, you have a small penis because of something you did wrong and this is God’s way of punishing you.

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