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October 22, 2012

I explore why being Patrick Swayze is better than being me.

We all like to imagine what our life would be like if we made different choices in our past. The one thing I like to imagine is if I was able to decide to be Patrick Swayze:

5. My mom would actually watch a movie I have been in

I have been in over a dozen student films that are just horrible, and I don’t blame her one bit for not watching them. I’ve also been an extra in a couple of major films (Talladega Nights and Blood Done Signed My Name.) The year that Blood Done Signed My Name came out on DVD, my mother asked for it for her birthday because her baby boy was Businessman #1. It’s been over a year since I gave it to her and I just now went to check on it in my parent’s vast DVD collection, which has three copies of Tommy Boy and every Will Smith movie released. Guess what? It still has the cellophane on it. It was a horrible movie and I hate thinking about the experience to be honest. The director asked one thing of me the whole time: make eye contact with the lead as I walked out of a boardroom. I was so excited and did my best with each take. It ended up being edited out of the film and that was fine by me, but afterwards I went up to the lead actor and said “It was a pleasure making eye contact with you” to which he laughed immediately.

Sorry Hollywood, I failed your cool guy test.

4. I would never have to take a date to the shooting locations of Dirty Dancing

“Why hello pretty woman I am trying to get inside, let’s get some wine and go out to the lake where Dirty Dancing was filmed. I can re-enact that scene you enjoy so much.” This move never fails even when you are out of shape and drop her like a goddamn idiot that has no business trying to be Patrick. But if I was Patrick, I would not have to have the “Dirty Dancing into your pants” move – I would just walk in a room and leave the floors so wet that it would become an insurance liability.

3. I wouldn’t have received a D in my ceramics class

“Oh, Miss Teacher let me help you with that stupid fucking bowl that you will most likely put old ass cranberries in.” As I take off my shirt.

If I was Patrick I would have been able to say this and still get an A and my P in a very, very old and dried out V. Instead I got a D and three coffee cups that sit in the very back of my cabinet to which one is holding captive a grand daddy long-legs.

2. I could pull off wearing overalls and not look like well… what I look like in overalls

I once mistakenly begged my parents to buy me some Tommy Hilfiger overalls because I saw Alien Strange wear them on a Nickelodeon TV show that I was too old to be watching in the first damn place. Anyway, my body is not the type that looks good in overalls and I walked around with one third of the denim up my ass and no shirt to cover it because my shirt was in my fucking overalls.

1. I wouldn’t have been alive to see 50 cent come out with a comic book 

This one may seem insensitive but it doesn’t make it any less true. 50 cent most likely beat up kids like me that loved comic books or at the very least called us a “fags” and chased us to our next class. So I am sorry if I don’t buy your bullshit comic book telling me that I need to get shot 9 times and write metaphors and similes on how to fuck ya, girl.