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5 Funny Votes
2 Die Votes
540 Views
Published August 05, 2010

I'd think Jesus Christ would then be known as Jesus Capitalist. I think the stories in the Bible would've been pretty different-

The Good Samaritan story would've ended up with the Good Samaritan charging the man with interest for assistance and then setting up a Pay Day Loan shop in the desert.

Instead of telling the Rich Young Ruler to give up his possessions for the poor, Jesus Capitalist would've said "If you wish to be perfect then take up your Ferrari convertible and move away as far as you can from those poor and afflicted over there."

Jesus Capitalist would've done miracles for money and if the people didn't have insurance well then who needs them? Better they die and the strongest and richest survive.

The money changers in the temple would've been promoted for their great marketing idea of going to the people who were in the most need, and Jesus Capitalist would have thrown out those that didn't have money to buy anything.

The story of the 5,000 that were miraculously fed fish and bread would've been the story of the 5,000 who were employed to catch fish and bake bread for a small percentage of how much they produced.

Instead of a prostitute being forgiven and made whole, she would have just continued being a prostitute and respected for contributing to the market's demand with her supply of whoredoms.

Jesus Capitalist would've made sure no graven images or idols were worshiped without him getting royalties first.

When asked about rendering unto Caesar's what is Caesar's, Jesus Capitalist would've started a Tea Party and told the public that Caesar was going to kill their grandmas and that Caesar was actually a Muslim.

The Apostles would have been known as "Shareholders".

The organization of the church would've been a pyramid scheme.

The priesthood authority would've been the equivalent of being a member of the Republican Party.

The most important attributes prescribed to the customers of Jesus Capitalist would be "Greed, Pride, and Selfishness"

The two greatest commandments would've been to love money with all your heart, might, mind and strength. And the second would've been to take care of yourself as you would yourself and no one else.

The crucifixion would've been outsourced to someone who would die for the sins of the world cheaper.

All the 2,000 years of Christianity would've consisted of non stop competition for superiority and self righteous back stabbing, cover ups, exploitation of the poor, entitlement issues and hatred of fellow men...wait...uh

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