Fellas, if you want to keep the peace in your relationship, avoid saying these 8 things to your lady at all costs!
1. “You look cute.”
Your lady doesn’t want you to think she looks cute; she wants you to think she looks beautiful, or sexy, or bizarre or amphibious. They just really don’t like the word “cute” for some reason.
2. “I need some space.”
If you tell your lady you need some space, you might just end up with too much space and not enough lady! Or, your lady might think you mean the other kind of space, and she’ll sign you up for astronaut classes. Astronaut classes might be cool, so maybe try this one out after all.
3. “SOMEONE’S been enjoying the cafeteria food!”
You’re just making conversation by stating the generality that someone in the world has probably been enjoying cafeteria food, but saying this to your lady can backfire for a couple reasons: 1) She might think you’re implying that she’s gained weight, or 2) she might think you’re implying that she secretly works at a cafeteria and has been slowly poisoning the kids by injecting trace amounts of the deadly radioactive isotope polonium-210 into the food every day. Try making generalities about the weather instead!
4. “You look like a big, fat, fat person with a fat clown face and a stupid fat manatee body.”
Again, when it comes to body image, the ladies can be very sensitive! When you’re getting ready to go out for that anniversary dinner and you casually mention that she looks like a big, fat, fat person with a fat clown face and a stupid fat manatee body, it might seem harmless enough to you, but your lady will probably figure out a way to take it personally!
5. “From now on, I only want you to wear this adult onesie I made out of burlap and used gauze bandages because you are not worthy of any other clothes.”
Guys, it doesn’t matter how good your intentions are when you say this—your lady is going to find something to get upset about. Better to just keep this one to yourself and discreetly donate all of her other clothes to Goodwill!
6. “I can only imagine a future with you if I’m within smelling distance of fox urine and the theme song to Friday Night Lights is playing.”
While this line is good in theory, the problem is that ladies like a challenge. When you tell her this, you’re saying “the game is over and you have defeated me.”
7. “If you insist on being sexually active, you must refer to me exclusively as ‘Uncle Brendan’ during intercourse, and immediately before my completion, you must say in a British accent—and with just a hint of satisfaction—‘I’m sorry Mrs. Gregory but your credit card has been declined.’”
Trust me on this one: it doesn’t matter whether you’re using this as a pickup line at the library or as part of your wedding vows—9 times out of 10, she’s going to take it the wrong way.
8. “Check ya later!”
Chicks don’t wanna hear that shit.