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February 28, 2017
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This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends

Man Extracts 6 Hour Old Pork From Teeth,Sees Fate

Derrick Herald of Kingston,Ohio had his 2nd molar filled back in 2004 and was happy with the results. ‘Didn’t think anything could get in there’,he said

On Tuesday, he lunched at the famed sandwich shop ‘The Oinkster’, and ordered his favorite, the Pork Colossus, a house cured BBQ sandwich topped with Caramelized onions and Gruyere cheese.

‘Delicious’,he said. ‘But I must have eaten too fast because a bit of sandwich went wedged between me teeth. Couldn’t pry it free’

After toying with it for most of the afternoon, he finally got the meat loose around 6pm. Like any good man he gave it pull and a sniff. Herald was unnerved by what came next.

‘My knees buckled. Like getting a phone call with bad news. I suddenly could smell my past. And my future. One of which I have not mentioned until now.’

He described the smell as ‘Ascending death’. A cacophonic stew of cigarettes,plums,old pork,and filling funk. A festering hunk of mouth garbage.‘

A stench 'so foul,so stupendous’ he began waxing existential.

‘Within my grasp behold mans eternal query. Are we but mere slathers of flesh assembling odorous and ever vertical within natures crevice?’

After composing himself he gave warning to fellow foodies and the like.

‘No-one should have to go through this. Make sure to chew very carefully,and please, for the love of God, try and brush your teeth.’

The Oinkster restaurant could not be reached for comment.

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