DISCLAIMER: This article is for entertainment purposes only. No actual marijuana is depicted herein. Funny Or Die discourages the use of illicit drugs and the behavior depicted herein. Funny Or Die must insist that no one attempt to recreate or reenact this activity. Reliance on or activity based on anything shown here is solely at your own risk. Marijuana was invented by the Devil to enhance jazz music and destroy families.
It’s 4:20 Day and the ceremonies are about to begin! Our Editor-in-Chief, Dan Abramson, just informed us that he has not smoked “cigarettes” in 14 years, adding, “We’ll see how this goes.”
We just said a prayer to Ganja Man, the Weed Lord, and the cigarette smoking is underway. I took 2 big hits of cigarettes just now.
We are in a fort Zack built with his bare hands (Fort:20). At this point, everything you see here is being written by people who are high (having gotten that way before work, on their own time), so if it doesn’t make perfect sense, please read it and click “funny” anyway.
We are sitting in the fort listening to Steely Dan. John Harris: “This is the best day of my life.”
At this point our office manager, Josh, somehow appeared on a computer.
Wait, BREAKING NEWS: A DOG JUST CAME TO THE OFFICE!!
Everyone feels great right now. Klinman did a bunch of spot-on celebrity impressions.
Editor’s Note: I love that placeholder dog. I also like the real dog. But just because we’re going to eventually get a pic of the dog that we currently have in the office (he’s a very good boy/or girl i can’t remember), that doesn’t mean to take away from placeholder dog. I love placeholder dog, too.
LEAKED: Footage surfaces of the ACTUAL Fort:20!
POB again. Here’s a pre-pitch meeting idea: Throughout the day, our video Director Matt Mayer will be releasing slightly to drastically different versions of this piece of footage of Fort:20.
Cookies have been introduced now. The green cookies are the strongest (have most chocolate chips ;) and the plain ones are a little weaker.
Our scheduled 11AM pitch meeting began promptly at 12:40., SON!
Here are our pitches for articles, videos, parody songs, Simpsons episodes to just stop working and watch right now, etc.
- Giant Mural (ZACK)
- Add to it throughout the day
- Zack Finishes Everyone’s sentences (JESSE)
- I Spilled Some of The Weed But Nobody Noticed So Keep This Between Us (DAN)
- Episode Recap Season 6 episode 8 of the Simpsons (MIKE)
- Pat: “We could all watch it together.”
- I Might Go To The Gym And Try Machines I’ve Never Tried Before (MELINDA)
- Man On The Street: What’s Your Message To People In The Future Who Can Fly Around Like It’s Nothing? (KLINMAN)
- John Singing A Steely Dan Song (ZACK)
- Testimonials In The Sound Booth About How high People Are (JESSE)
- With iPad
- All My Favorite Websites (DAN)
- All My Favorite Things (ZACK)
- Cool Science Experiments (JESSE)
- All Souvenir T-Shirts (MELINDA)
- Weed Titles of Hot 100 Songs (JASON)
- Top Five Photos of Animals Where If You Look In The Eyes of Animals You Can Tell They Have Souls (KLINMAN)
- Stoned Man’s Guide To NBA Playoffs (JASON)
- Photoshop 8 Remaining Teams Into Candy Images (JASON)
- Air Dunk Contest (JASON)
- Big Photoshop - “I’m just going to keep adding shit.” (MAGGIO)
- Photoshoot: A Bunch of Pictures of Me Petting Olive (DAN)
- Wearing all our hats
- A calendar
- This Was Maybe A Bad Idea, I Can’t Write Articles Right Now (JENNY)
- It’s Very Hard To Upload Videos While High (MAYER)
- Guy That Doesn’t Want To Be Doing This Right Now Part 2 (MIKE)
- Sega Genesis Art (KLINMAN)
- “Elevating Genesis to high art when you’re high.”
- Voice Over Commentary For Super Mario Strikers (ZACK)
- Paranoid Fears (ZACK)
- I write 100 Goosebumps book titles (PAT)
- Hire a New York Will Ferrell (PAT)
- The Story of The Lava And The Lava Lamp (KLINMAN)
- Cribs Episode of The Fort (ZACK)
- Scenario Where Batman And Superman Have Switched Costumes And People Think Batman Can Fly (DAN)
- Song List (PAT)
- A Podcast On What It Feels Like To Be Publicly High (KLINMAN)
- Everyone In The Office Tries To Draw Something (JASON)
A poll was taken about Who is better, Batman or Superman? Matt Klinman: “What’s more realistic, for a superpowerful alien to come to Earth, or for a rich guy to give a shit about ANYONE.”
Being High Tip #1: Respect yourself.
THE FIRST HIGH ARTICLE HAS BEEN POSTED! Here is High Article #1 by Mike “Bob Marley” Scollins.
Hey guys! I’m the curmudgeon who wrote “An Article From The Guy Who Doesn’t Want to Be Doing This Right Now” on St. Patrick’s Day when we all had to work drunk. Well guess what I’m BACK and my attitude is EVEN SHITTIER. (Comedy Lesson: Always Highten)…
High Article #2 is uploaded by a the most recent re-enrollee at Marijuana University, Dan Abramson! It’s called “These Are The Best Websites.”
Hey, if you’re reading this on the internet, that makes sense. I wrote it for you. On the internet. But as someone who uses the internet, you likely know what websites you like. And which you don’t. But some of you likely don’t. Hey, there are a lot of websites out there and you should know about them. With so many options, you’re likely to get overwhelmed. “Oh, what site should i go to?”: that’s what you sound like.
Problem solved. Below are the best websites:
He’s back, baby! Presenting High Article #3 by Mike “I Don’t Practice Santeria” Scollins!
Alright apologizes to all recapheads in advance—I’m doing this based on solely on memory so that I can fully enjoy watching the episode later today with the knowledge that my work is already done. I’m not gonna be able to really relax and settle into this episode if I have work hanging over my head. I’ve seen this episode plenty of times though. I got this:
High Article #4 has arrived! By own very own intern, Simon Johnston (who for a variety of legal and ethical reasons has not smoked cigarettes or anything else today).
12:00pm - Hey guys, welcome to my live blog. A little bit about me. I recently moved to New York City from Iowa, and I’ve never smoked pot before, but figured what better day to give it a shot than 420? I’m pretty inexperienced with the stuff, so I asked a couple of people where to buy it. They said the best place is in the park. I’m going to check it out.
High Article #5 by Jenny Nelson: “Ugh This Was Maybe A Bad Idea, I Can’t Write Articles Right Now.”
Hello and welcome to this article called “UGH THIS WAS A MAYBE BAD IDEA, I CAN’T WRITE ARTICLES RIGHT NOW” and in that title by “this” i mean trying to write articles at all today!!!!! i feel so tired right now, how did i think i’d be able to accomplish / i’m…
Editor’s Note: We’re done putting numbers on these for a little while.
NEXT High Article by John Harris: “This Is The Only Video I’ve Ever Posted To YouTube”
YouTube has existed since 2006, and since that time, I (John Harris) have uploaded exactly one video to the site. I made it for another place I used to work at, but then they didn’t want to use it, so they said I could have it. What I did was, I copied and pasted a bunch of Rodney Dangerfield (Ladybugs) jokes into an RTF file and had the robot voice read it, and then this guy named Maxime Simonet made the robot and edited the video. It has about 300 views, currently.
HI THIS IS NATHAN AGAIN AND I HAVE A SOMETHING I AM SO EXCITED TO TELL YOU! I SECRETLY ORDERED A PETTING ZOO TO COME TO THE OFFICE.
YES A PETTING ZOO.
FOR US TO PET.
I MADE A PETTING ZOO BUDGET AND OUR ACCOUNTANTS HAVE TO PRROCESS IT. I BET IT IS LIKE D33FR-ZOO OR SOMETHING.
LIKE, SO MANY THINGS TO PUT. LIZARDS, CHINCHILLAS, RABBITS, DOVES, HEDGEHOGS, FANCY CHICKENS, PRAIRIE DOGS, TRANCHULAS, AND A MINI FOX!!!! A FUCKING MINI FOX!!!!!!!! HERE ARE A PUNCH OF PICTURES. IT WAS TRILL AS FUCK. (AS YOU COULD IMAGINE)
This is Pat again. MORE BREAKING NEWS: a professional caricaturist is here sketching caricatures of people! More to come on that SHORTLY>
HI THIS IS NATHAN AGAIN. I KEEP COMING WITH GIFTS.
OF THE PETTING ZOO.
HELL YEAH, YA BISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIFE IS GOOD!!!! B^]
‘Nother High Article, baby! “7 Photos Of A Man Petting A Dog While Wearing Different Hats” by Dan Abramson (Photos by Nate Maggio)
Earlier today, I pitched a piece called “I’d love to do a photo shoot of me petting the dog.” It was a great pitch. Here it is.
IT’S 4:20PM, BABY!!!!!! EVERYONE BACK TO THE FORT!!!
HIGH ARTICLE NUMBER NEXT: “A High Cowboy Tells His Favorite Story” by Zack Poitras.
Hi, I’m Bill, and I’m a high cowboy. I’m laying in this here snap grass, and I’m gonna tell you my favorite story.
UPDATE: New footage of Fort:20 (Warning: mysterious)
Next High Article!!!: “All My Souvenir T-Shirts And Hoodies, Ranked”
I am spring cleaning and I’m realizing that I have a truly insane number of clothes that I only keep out of nostalgia. There’s a whole subsection of my wardrobe that’s just free souvenir t-shirts and hoodies. I have one from every job I’ve ever had and every important phase in my life…
Hot New High article from Jason “Top Five Weed-head” Flowers: “A Selection Of Weed-Themed Parody Titles For Songs In This Week’s Hot 100”
Dude, check it. What if some of the country’s most popular songs were actually about marijuana, aka weed or grass?
All songs and chart positions are from the Billboard Hot 100 for the week of April 25, 2015.
High Article Comin’ at ya: “Here Are Descriptions Of Science Videos I Remember Liking” by Jesse “No Stress-y” Neil!
HEY YOU REMEMBER Ben the caricature artist RIGHT? HE IS MAKING SOME GREAT WORK.
All this talk about animals raises an important question: Do animals have souls? I know when I was holding that chicken earlier, and then eating chicken 20 mins later, I wondered it. Now Please enjoy the latest HIGH ARTICLE: “Top 3 Photos Of Animals Where You Can See The Soul In Their Eyes” by Matt “The Human Bong” Klinman.
We all know how you can see that animals have souls by looking into their eyes. Some animals have more soul than others when you look in there, but the eyes are where you go to check. When you look into the soul of a fish or a lizard and there is not as much soul there as when you look into the eyes of the wiser mammals like gorillas, whales or dogs. Bugs, we all know, have the least soul and, accordingly, the least amount of soul can be seen in their eyes. Animals that don’t have any eyes have the simplest and therefore worst souls of all. The amount of soul in a being is exclusively determined by how well they are able to see and thus comprehend the world, that’s why the soul lives there. We all know this.
HIGH ARTICLE: Find out what happens when a high writer goes to the gym with this latest high article, “I Went To The Gym.”
3:55 PM: I’m walking over to the gym. I remember how soft the chinchillas were. I’ll probably never get to touch one again. I should have done it more.
3:58 PM: I’m at the gym. The guy tells me I need a new keychain scanner pass thing. It takes me a while to get the old one off and the new one on.
Jason Flowers (already a weed nickname ha I’m playin) proudly presents our next HIGH ARTICLE: “Snack-Based Photoshops For All 16 NBA Playoff Teams, Except I Took A Nap After Only Finishing 5”
To capitalize on both 420’s most-hungriest stoners, as well as sports fans looking for the hottest NBA Playoff Content, I decided to create 16 snack-based photoshops, one for each of the 16 teams in the 2015 NBA Playoffs.
Problem is, I’m super high and fell asleep after only getting thru five. Hopefully, these are good enough. If not, whatever, man.
NATHAN M. AGAIN: OLIVE LEFT AND I AM REALLY SAD!!!! HERE IS HER WITH MATT.
HERE IS ANOTHER PICTURE OF MATT UNSURE OF A CHICKEN
HI THIS IS NATHAN HERE IS MY FRIEND ALAN WHO IS THE RIGHTFUL OWNER OF OLIVE EVEN THOUGH I SAY SHE IS MINE.
HEY IT IS STILL NATHAN
HERE WAS MY PROJECT FOR TODAY. IT WAS TO PHOTOSHOP A DREAM LANDSCAPE. There is about 10 images in there. NOTHING IS REAL. I would love to be friends with an Elephant.
It’s 7:33pm, EST. We’re still hanging in there. Everyone is fucked but also fine.
Here is another high article by Zack Poitras, “Zack Finishes All The Other Writers’ Sentences.”
Everyone sent high writer Zack Poitras the first half of a sentence, and it was his job to finish it. Here they are:
Please, before you do anything…have fun out there, you beautiful son of a bitch. Give me a smooch. [SMOOCH!] Now get out there and win that god damn chess match!
I don’t like…chocolate melted in my pockets.
And, as promised, here are 100 New Titles For Goosebumps Books by Pat O'Brien.
R.L. Stine, if you’re reading this, here are 100 new titles for Goosebumps books:
- Ghouls Night In
- The Farting Ghost
- Help, I’m In a Monster!
- High Five…of Doom
- I’m Still Afraid of the Ghost
- Gorgeous, Beautiful Gravestones
- The Computer In Me
- The Farting Ghost II
- Teen Supper
- Michael’s Lost His Marbles…
Here is a parody song called about items in the fridge to the tune of “Islands In The Stream.” It’s called “Items In The Fridge”
Inspired by an email thread from the FOD office manager with the subject heading “Items In The Fridge,” here’s an all-too-timely parody of Kenny Rogers’ & Dolly Parton’s classic duet, “Islands In The Stream.”
This song was recorded on 4/20 ;-P
And, if you stuck around this long, you are rewarded with a new episode of “Tool Time,” the show where two people talk about the band Tool"
It’s 8:19PM. Most people have dropped off, some are still here.
Here it is, for the true ganja freaks who stuck it out the whole time, a look behind the scenes of the legendary “Fort Twenty” - Hosted by the man who built it, Zacky P.
It’s now 8:39PM, and only a surprisingly almost half of us are still here. But we are dead. Not passed away but def tired. We had a great day but now it’s time go home, say one last prayer to Ganjaman and go to sleep.
HI THIS IS NATHAN AGAIN AND OH MAN, IT IS LATE!!! I JUST FOUND THIS PICTURE ON MY PHONE AND THOUGHT IT WAS TOO GOOD NOT TO POST.
OKAY THAT IS IT NOW. GOODNIGHT TO ALL THE GANJAS EVERYWHERE!!