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June 26, 2017
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Shocking email between Nintendo employee confirms your fears of a SNES Classic shortage, but with reasons you could've never possibly imagined.

To: Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
Subject: SNES Classic!

Hey Jeff!

So excited that we finally got to announce the SNES Classic! 21 timeless games people love for $80? This thing’s a home run. Let’s talk to manufacturing to make sure we’re ready for September. People are going to go crazy for this!

-Steve


To: Steve@nintendo.com
From: Jeff@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Steve!

Your passion for the project is contagious! I will get manufacturing on the phone at once to see to it that we only make 1,000 units.

-Jeff


To: Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Ha…can’t tell if you’re being serious or not about only making 1,000 units. I think that was a joke? Sometimes email makes it hard to tell. But seriously, let’s figure this out. Thanks!

-Steve


To: Steve@nintendo.com
From: Jeff@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

You got me! I was goofing. Claaaaaasic Jeff goof. Don’t worry, I’m on the case and will give you a certified Jeff guarantee we only make, like, a couple hundred SNES Classics. Five hundo, tops.

-Jeff


To: Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Jeff,

I’m a little concerned. And confused. The SNES Classic is an amazing product that people are REALLY excited about! Myself included! Wouldn’t we want to sell as many of them as possible?

We need to let our fans play games, that’s what it’s all about!

-Steve


To: Steve@nintendo.com
From: Jeff@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Oh, but we will, Steve.Soon we will let our fans play the most dangerous game of all…

-Jeff


To: Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

The fuck?

-Steve


To: Steve@nintendo.com
From: Jeff@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Of course our fans WANT the SNES Classic. They’ll even pay good money for it. But if everyone gets one, where’s the fun in that? We need to make it so impossibly difficult to get that people lose their minds! Then they’ll REALLY be ready to pay, Steven. They’ll be ready to pay with their lives. The streets will turn redder than Mario’s hat with the blood of our flock.

-Dark Lord Jeff


To: Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
cc: LindaHR@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Jeff,

I don’t understand what’s going on, but I’m scared. I think you’re talking about people dying? I’ve cc’d Linda from HR who might be able to help sort this out. Maybe this is all a big joke? Again, email makes it kind of hard to tell sometimes.

-Steve


To: Steve@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: LindaHR@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Steve. At Nintendo we take all reports like this very seriously. Because you better believe we’re serious about pushing our loyal fans to slaughter each other in the desperate attempt to get their grubby hands on a SNES Classic.

:)

-Dark Lord Linda


To: LindaHR@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

THE FUCK?!?

-Dark Lord Steve

(I’m not on board with the whole mass murder thing, but the Dark Lord signatures look badass so I’m going to do that if it’s cool to do that from our work email)


To: Steve@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: LindaHR@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Sorry, Steve. You can only use the Dark Lord signature if you’re on board with the mass murder thing. You can’t pick and choose.

-Dark Lord Linda


To: LindaHR@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

I feel like we’re getting off track from what’s important. Email signatures aside, why are you doing this? Why release something so good that people can’t have? Why are you trying to push people to kill one another?

-Steve


To: Steve@nintendo.com, Linda@nintendo.com
From: Jeff@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Nintendo is all about games you can play with your friends and family. What could be a better, more engaging game than the complete and total collapse of civilization as we know it? We’ve been working towards this goal with every game we release. Either we create a brilliant single player game that becomes inextricably linked to your core (something we’ll make you fight or kill for later) or we unleash violent and dizzying multiplayer games that teach you how to do whatever it takes to win and do horrible things to the people closest to you. Don’t you see, Steven? Our hard work is finally paying off. The killing begins soon and our fans will finally get the gaming experience they deserve!

-Dark Lord Jeff


To: Steve@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: LindaHR@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

YEAH!!! Many Jews will die!!!

-Dark Lord Linda


To: Steve@nintendo.com, Linda@nintendo.com
From: Jeff@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

…The fuck?

-Dark Lord Jeff


To: LindaHR@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

I’m lost, guys.

-Steve


To: Steve@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: LindaHR@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

I mean, I know this wasn’t the EXACT goal we set out for. But statistically speaking many Jews WILL die in this and I think that’s pretty cool.

:)

-Dark Lord Linda


To: Steve@nintendo.com, Linda@nintendo.com
From: Jeff@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Jesus Christ, Linda.

-Dark Lord Jeff


To: LindaHR@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

So is THIS all a big joke? Emails, right! Super hard to tell.

-Steve


To: Steve@nintendo.com, Linda@nintendo.com
From: Jeff@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

I feel like we’re getting off track from what’s important. Steve, just keep your mouth shut or you’ll wind up like Starfox 64: Part Two.

-Dark Lord Jeff


To: LindaHR@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: Steve@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

I’ve never even heard of Starfox 64: Part Two

-Steve


To: Steve@nintendo.com, Jeff@nintendo.com
From: LindaHR@nintendo.com
Subject: re: SNES Classic!

Exactly

:)

-Dark Lord Linda

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