Last week, The National Inquirer alleged that Ted Cruz has had multiple extramarital affairs. Cruz has vehemently denied these rumors, and honestly, I’m inclined to believe him. Because in order for Cruz to have multiple affairs, there have to be multiple woman willing to sleep with him. Which is pretty unlikely due to the things he says, does, and that whole sharp-yet-wet look he’s got going. So it’s unlikely, but not unimaginable. In fact, I can imagine exactly seven situations in which someone would have sex with Ted Cruz.
1. You are trying to hurt your liberal dad as much as possible.
It would devastate him.
2. The Earth has been destroyed in WWIII, but you survived because you’re kind of like Laura Croft, only better.
Everyone on Earth is dead and gone. Even animals and insects are gone. You spend your days roaming the planet searching for other survivors, food, water, anything. Two weeks in, you find a dense slimy pool. It’s not clean water, but it’s water! You lean over to take a drink and out of the thick muck Ted Cruz emerges, totally fine. After searching the globe for years, you are convinced you and Ted Cruz are the only two humans who survived. Sleeping with him is the only way to repopulate the Earth. You have sex with Ted Cruz once.
3. You met a T. Cruz online and let yourself believe it was Tom Cruise.
It was a beautiful lie for a moment, but then it became a very ugly lie. A very ugly lie.
4. Cruz is poised to win the election and be the next president.
You realize if you have an affair with him and leak it to the press it would stop him. And you’d be the savior of the world.
5. You’re trying to get your fuck-up of a kid into Princeton.
And a good parent does what it takes. Whatever awful, hideous thing it takes.
6. You just got out of your first long-term relationship.
It has crushed you. You’re so sad you can barely lift your head. You stop taking your antidepressants. You start drinking again. One night at a bar, Ted Cruz propositions you. Because you’re too sad to lift your head and look at who’s talking to you, you never realize it’s Ted Cruz. You fuck him in the bar bathroom. And honestly, it helps a little.
7. You are his sad wife.
And there are only so many days you can allow your sadness to lead you to the side of the freeway.