When I woke up this morning to news of leaked documents, I was so excited! It’s been a while since we’ve seen a naked celebrity without them wanting us to! And these leaks are called The Panama Papers? That sounds like beach-side vacation pics to me!
But then I found out there were 11.5 million documents and I got a little upset. That is too much to look through to find nude pics. So instead of looking, I interviewed an investigative journalist from the German newspaper Süddeutsche Zeitung, who first obtained the documents.
Clara Morris: Were The Panama Papers recovered from a hot celeb’s cloud? Maybe Ryan Gosling’s? (crosses fingers)
Investigative Journalist: No, the papers are from a Panamanian law firm called Mossack Fonseca.
CM: I hate you.
IJ: Excuse me?
CM: Sorry. That’s just not the answer I was expecting. Um, but, that’s OK, it could still be good, right? Are we talking like nasty divorce papers from celebrity couples that reveal intimate details of their sex lives? Oh! Do they talk about Ben Affleck and his affair with the nanny? That nanny is so lucky—
IJ: No. These documents show the Panamanian law firm helped establish secret shell companies and offshore accounts for members of the global elite.
CM: Go to hell.
IJ: I’m sorry, what is going on—
CM: Sorry! Sorry. Alright, well, who’d they set up offshore accounts for? Anybody hot and famous? Maybe Ryan Gosling? (crosses fingers)
IJ: 128 politicians, including 12 national leaders. Most notably Vladimir Putin.
CM: Putin’s not that hot. And he’s certainly not interesting. I mean, don’t we all know Putin is a bad guy? Isn’t it obvious he he had offshore accounts?
IJ: Um. Also involved was an official on FIFA’s—
CM: A soccer player? The abs on those guys…
IJ: No, an official on FIFA’s ethics committee. Which is interesting because he was supposed to be looking into FIFA’s corruption—
CM: If you have to say why it’s interesting, it’s not interesting. You’re a goddman hack.
IJ: I am a professional journalist and this is the biggest leak in history and I don’t deserve—
CM: OK, OK, OK. Sorry. How many years in jail will these guys get for having offshore accounts? Are we gonna get to witness some powerful politicians fall from grace?
IJ: Well, the leaked documents don’t necessarily indicate that anything illegal has happened. You see, having shell corporations and offshore accounts isn’t illegal in itself, but they hide where money originated. So it is certainly fishy and we might just find out about some illegal happenings. Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire.
CM: Fuck your smoke and your fire. More like smoke and mirrors. Where are the hot celeb nudes?
IJ: You can’t just get mad at me because the news isn’t what you assumed it was based on half an article title!
CM: Fine. You’re right. I won’t yell at you again … So, you’re an investigative journalist, do you at least have some celebrity nudes from another story?
IJ: No. I don’t do that kind of story. Like I said, I’m a serious journalist— ow! You just pinched me!
CM: Get. Out.
IJ: Don’t have to tell me twice. Hey, give me back my pen!
CM: This is my pen. I had it from before.
IJ: It has the name of my German newspaper on it.
CM: I don’t care.