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October 22, 2016

Tom Brady has the Chip that has been resting on his shoulder since being picked 199th in the draft, surgically attached.

BOSTON, MA— “Sometimes when I come home to my twenty millions dollar mansion and my supermodel wife I forget that I even have a chip. And that scares me,” said Tom Brady in a post-op press conference last Saturday. Brady had just been released from Mass General Hospital after a procedure that surgically attached the Chip that had been resting on his shoulder for so many years. The Patriots quarterback said that he first glued the Chip on his non-throwing shoulder when he was picked 199th in the 2000 draft. He removed it and tucked it away in a chest of drawers throughout 2001-2005 when he and the New England Patriots won three Super Bowls. During the Spygate scandal, Brady dusted off the Chip and wore it to a 16-0 season that inevitably ended in a tragic Super Bowl loss to the NY Giants. Brady would continue to take on and off the Chip throughout a less than optimal six years until New England finally won their fourth championship. “I thought, finally, this is it, I can take it off forever,” said Brady, “I can put it in a glass case or something with a plaque and display it at home or in my locker.” Brady went on to say that he had actually made arrangements for the casing of the Chip a day before Super Bowl 50 between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Amongst the pre-game ceremonies, all former Super Bowl MVPs were announced, most receiving a mixture of medium to high praise except for Tom Brady who experienced overt boos. “I texted Gisselle and said, grab the Chip and meet me in Boston.” Patriots head coach Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment, but team owner Robert Kraft put out a statement, “Tom {Brady} and that Chip had been courting permanency for some time. I’m glad he finally made it official.” Brady will kick off this season searching for an unprecedented fifth Super Bowl Championship. According to a Patriots equipment manager, no uniform alterations will need to be made to accommodate the Chip and exact specifications will be submitted to the NFL.

UPDATE: After news of Brady’s four-game suspension to start the 2016 NFL season, the quarterback reportedly asked doctors if there was any way to attach an additional chip on top of the existing Chip. No confirmations have yet been released.