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September 07, 2009
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I wrote some jokes this month.  Maybe one of them will make you smile.

I'm looking at the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways. Then he screamed for me to get the fuck out of his house.

One thing you can't learn about the hard way is erectile dysfunction.


ESPN poll found that 93% of U.S. dogs want Michael Vick tackled so hard that he can lick his own balls.

I was rolling this bum when he woke up and shouted "hey"! I said sorry, I thought you were a cigarette. Then he bummed himself off of me.


If you close your eyes and plug your nose while you eat a brussel sprout, it taste just like a piece of crap.

Sometimes I stop and think. That's because I can't do two things at once.


I tried sexting with Patti. I sent her a pic of me in my Marky Marks and she sent me a pic of a treadmill.


My trick nose is acting up again. It does that every time I get punched in the face.


Got my first Bryan Adams album over at the five and dime. Played it till my ears bled. Yeah, I played it once.


Did you hear the one about the sociopath who felt guilty about being remorseful?


I live in the past. Patti said I should live for the future. I just shook my head and told her I tried that but those days are in front of me now.


When someone has tired feet they'll say their dogs are barking. Maybe that's why I get so bummed out when I see a man licking the balls of his feet.


If you ever go into one of those ultra-snotty, hipster coffeehouses in the evening, I'll bet you won't witness someone order an espresso and joke, "Hey, it's six am somewhere".


Patti made me buy some reusable Trader Joes bags. I made the checker put them in a plastic bag and his head exploded.


Memento would have been a different movie if Lenny had owned an iPhone.


Lindsay Wagner's career would have been an absolute failure if she had taken the lead role for "The Biotic Woman".


A person who thinks that playing a harmonica is easy because you just have to blow on it probably sucks at it.


They say you can't beat City Hall but you can beat someone who works for City Hall if it's dark and you have a ski mask.


The next movie I make is about a boy from Cheddar who meets a girl from Tortilla Flats and his heart just melts.
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