When you go home for vacation during the work week you invariably watch a lot of CASH CAB. That’s what you do. It’s on every channel, at every hour of the day and night. Cash Cabbie Ben Bailey’s mug staring you in the face at every turn. I was home for six workdays, so I estimate I watched approximately 800 episodes of the show. I saw people win outrageous sums of money. I saw people lose outrageous sums of money. I saw people survive by the skin of their teeth. I saw people falter at the last second. All of them had one thing in common: They were all white. CASH CAB is for white people.

More to the point, CASH CAB is for rich people . . . Who just so happen to exclusively be white. Who else rides in cabs but rich white people? I lived in New York for awhile and I wouldn’t have even thought about taking a cab unless I was lost in Harlem. And I wouldn’t have thought about it then because I know cabs don’t even think about coming to Harlem.

During my “impoverished” (quotation marks meant to indicate white poverty) four years in New York, I trekked for miles through the rain and snow, too poor to afford subway fare. I would’ve kissed Ben Bailey on the mouth for a cab ride. For a cab ride lavish with cash prizes I’d have sucked his Irish . . . Aaaaaaaanyway . . . Don’t judge me, I was surviving on stolen Hot Pockets back then. Do you have any idea how many bad decisions it takes to end up surviving on stolen Hot Pockets? An Irish cock in the mouth wouldn’t have cracked the top ten.

. . .

Moving on . . .

. . .

Game shows and the lottery should only be for the poor. People who can afford cabs have already won the game show/lottery called Life. Two episodes into my run of 800 CASH CABS I was already tired of watching the same old white woman stumble out of the cab and into a Macy’s to spend a wad of cash on more mismatched, overpriced fabrics. There’s literally nothing worse than watching lucky people get luckier. I want to see unlucky contestants’ fortunes changed by getting in that cab. I want to see someone enter in tears and exit with rent money. I want to see someone nail the Video Bonus and get to keep the heat on. I want to see the Cash Cab pull up and let a dude out at a Soup Kitchen!

Ben Bailey needs to be coaxing people out of the subways and off the buses; pulling up alongside pedestrians in his van like a pedophile, luring people into his Cash Cab. The unsuspecting white cab customers aren’t cutting it. For them, this game of trivia is . . . well, trivial. Though maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be, since we all know trivia is racist also.

My name is Ben and my show CASH BUS lasted one episode and two robberies before cancellation.