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September 24, 2008



This is the 4th day of the week-long blog of Chad Arthur Helmuth (as told to his son, Jack Helmuth).  Chad, a devout small government Republican and die-hard Ronald Reagan supporter, recently…ah, hell, if you want to know the backstory of this thing, don’t be a lazy dick – read the other blogs.  What else are you gonna do with those two minutes?


Hello, America.  I have to get something off my chest right now, and I’m not talking about the scab that is keeping my heart from being exposed to the open air.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  What in God’s name is going on?  Down is up, up is down.  I returned to consciousness 4 days ago and this is what I wake up to:

The Emmy Awards are hosted by five civilian non-entertainers, I’m watching reruns of a TV show called “Sex and the City” that is labeled a comedy but has no jokes in it, “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” is a fucking movie that’s being released in theaters (I hope that dog gets Lou Gehrig’s Disease, I really do), we’ve regressed on the whole evolution debate (I just said “evolution debate” in the 21st Century!), we have shitty relations with Russia (I would’ve thought the Cold War had ended by now…Reagan’s plan to outspend them was going to totally work and leave us in great financial fortunes in the 21st Century), we’re in debt up to our taint and we’re socializing giant sections of the financial sector under a Republican administration, John Belushi has been downgraded to Jim Belushi, a chick is running for VP in my party who has attended more colleges (4) than countries she’s allegedly visited (3), I’ve watched 3 Kate Hudson movies since I’ve been awake and they’re all the same movie , a fucking BLACK DUDE is running for President (!!!!) who…ugh…is more ideologically aligned with me than the guy from my own party, a man who I used to go to party functions with and who my wife used to say “smells like old man” back in the 70’s when he used to hit on her while trying to “marry up,” and, lastly, what the fuck, Jim Henson died because he refused to take antibiotics?!  Fuck me!!!  Are you fucking kidding??  What the hell happened? 

Are you people insane??  A black guy?  I mean, c’mon…

Wait, I have a wife?  I totally forgot about that.  Did she pull a McCain and find another lover while I was doing the “coma thing,” Jack?  What do you mean she can’t afford to come to the hospital?  How much?  FOUR DOLLARS A GALLON?  OF GAS?  OLINE? 

Answer me this – how the hell do you folks trick yourselves into waking up every day?  How do you have the strength of will to walk outdoors and look at your mouth-breather fellow citizens?  John McCain is a hero for being a P.O.W.?  Sure…but not as much as those of you who look at a newspaper every day and find the strength not to jam a steak knife into your eye!  Speaking of which – Ziggy?  Really?  Still?  I’m confused…people talk about building a fence along the Mexican border to keep people from coming in or out?

I don’t think I want to live in a society that can’t keep the Kermit the Frog guy alive.  How fucking difficult can that be?  If we fail at that, then obviously there’s still a huge fucking hole in the ground in downtown Manhattan 7 years after the whole World Trade Center thing. 

Fantastic job, everyone!  I’ll ask you now to take a page out of your shithead President’s foreign policy playbook and pray.  Pray that a bobcat gets loose in the hospital and, lured by the smell of open wounds, finds me and rips my fucking throat out, killing me instantaneously.  And then pray that the bobcat digests me and poops me out…poops me out onto an American flag.  I’ll bet there’s a Constitutional Amendment being debated right now about pooping on flags to distract you pinheads from how shitty your lives are.  Oh my God!  Here kitty kitty kitty!  Come to Chad pretty pretty bobcat!  

(NOTE:  Wow.  That’s the best mood he’s been in over the last 12 hours.  I think he’s really getting better.  Oh!  In fairness, one quick thing about my mom:  She can’t afford to visit dad because she’s working three jobs to pay for his $47.8 million dollars worth of hospital bills. She hasn’t slept since the first “Matrix” movie came out.  So it’s not just the cost of gas…although, as the bible says, that sure does suck it pretty hard.  See you all tomorrow for our final installment.  I hope dad lives long enough to have the peace of mind that he’ll die soon.  Remember to pray.)